Backstage - OOC Forums

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

Did you know:

In YC110 Mixed Metaphor corporation declared war to stop distribution of the NHB Ultra Happy Chip™? It didn't work out.

Author Topic: Poetry: untitled  (Read 92 times)

Thulla Icin

  • Clonejack
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3
Poetry: untitled
« on: 31 Jul 2017, 17:25 »

Intended for the YC 119 New Eden Capsuleer's Writing Contest.


pod
tumbling
Out Of Control!
as the lasers
sear my skin
And in that instant --
all is
light
Logged

Ayallah

  • Kameira
  • Egger
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 205
Re: Poetry: untitled
« Reply #1 on: 02 Aug 2017, 15:20 »

Simple, but leaves tension in the word unsaid.   Use of capitalization was very good but the word And being capitalized detracts from what is an interesting way to convey the motion in the piece. 
Logged
Fear the Tribes

Thulla Icin

  • Clonejack
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 3
Re: Poetry: untitled
« Reply #2 on: 02 Aug 2017, 19:47 »

Thank you for the feedback!  Definitely helpful, and whether or not I wanted to capitalize 'And' was something I was uncertain about, so having feedback specifically on that is nice (even if the response is that it does not seem effective, as knowing this helps me lean).

Thank you for not just judging, but giving feedback!
Logged