So various events in my life in the past few hours have led me to re-evaluate my feelings towards a lot of my interaction with individuals within communities I am a member of, and instead of searching for excuses and convenient scapegoat individuals upon which I can place blame, I have undergone honest self-examination and found my own behaviour severely wanting. This is probably an extremely bad idea
as an EVE Online player, as it will probably give away a lot of useful psychological information about me. However, given that I am also a human being, I feel it would be exceptionally remiss not to share the results of my self-examination with people to whom it is certainly relevant (that's you guys, incidentally). This is not a plea for sympathy, an excuse for my behaviour nor, although it certainly contains an apology, a request for forgiveness. Although I will likely experience no success in convincing any seasoned EVE players of this, it isn't a psychological trick, either. It is precisely what it is, on face value - me talking honestly about myself and certain mistakes I've made.
I am a diagnosed sufferer of an autism-spectrum developmental condition known as
Asperger's Syndrome, with which you will almost certainly be familiar. This condition manifests slightly differently in every sufferer, but primarily affects social interaction and certain types of cognition and sensory processing. In my specific case, its primary symptoms are strong social anxiety related to causing offence to those I respect, intense and unrealistic perfectionism and egotistical, dishonest overcompetitiveness. I'm not bringing this up to excuse my behaviour - I'm merely giving you this information as it may inform some of my later explanations. I do, of course, have other personal issues which affect my behaviour towards others but they're neither relevant to EVE nor am I particularly inclined to talk about them.
I have severely mistreated other members of the EVE roleplay community - and, in truth, the larger EVE community in general - because I don't like being wrong. Now, obviously, there are very few people who like being wrong, but to me admitting I'm wrong is exceptionally difficult and painful, moreso perhaps than for you. Being wrong in as ruthlessly competitive an environment as EVE Online is even more difficult for me. The fact remains, however, that I am wrong sometimes. In fact I am
very often wrong, moreso in fact than I probably should be, mostly because I refuse to accept advice or contradiction from other people, because it feels like - and in EVE, in a very real way, is actually - an open display of weakness. Now, I'm not alone in my overwhelming desire not to admit error - I mean, take a single look at any thread in CAOD - but the fact is that whether or not I admit it, I make errors and I make them often.
As a compensatory measure, I will very often lash out at those who hold a differing opinion, assuming (and declaring) cognitive or emotional failing on their part. This is particularly evident in any out-of-character discussion in which the Federation is mentioned. I will very often lash out ferociously at those who question the moral, ethical or logical parity of the Federation, and since I said I was being honest, it all comes down to
the Federation is the side I picked at the beginning and I want them to win. There isn't any higher, nobler or more logical reasoning for that behaviour - I just say hurtful things to people who question the side I'm on because I don't want to lose (and thus be wrong by dint of having bet on the wrong horse).
A lot of my repressed anger comes from real or perceived personal failings. I have enough money to get by in EVE (at this point in time, about 3.3 billion ISK and roughly the same again in assets), although, to my everlasting chagrin, I'm nowhere near as rich as a seven-year EVE vet by all rights should be. Given certain poor leadership decisions and lack of solid direction my corporation has very few members, almost none of whom are active. I have nowhere near the political, economical or strategic leverage that I either want or feel that I should have, and my frustration towards my own shortcomings externalises itself upon others.
A combination of these two main factors leads to an unpleasant tendency for me to verbally and emotionally abuse others for personal satisfaction, in the belief that they are responsible for my unhappiness and thus they deserve my ire. This is a false belief brought about because it's actually way easier to blame my problems on other people than to accept that they're mostly mine. Given that I am being entirely honest however, I will say that there have been some moments during my time in EVE in which, through no fault of my own, others in the community have treated me with disrespect and contempt that I did not deserve. However, in some circumstances they have forthrightly apologised for this behaviour, and I have on more than one occasion refused to accept these apologies out of spite, because I'd rather hold on to my anger. In truth even I can't fully explain why I do this. It's very stupid. Vikarion and various others who actually had the courage to step up and say sorry, I retroactively accept your respective apologies. This doesn't neccessarily mean we're on good terms, and we might never be again, but it's stupid of me to hold onto conflicts that are basically ancient history.
I will also take out my frustrations on people by using Andreus Ixiris to abuse them in character, as it is much more difficult for people to prove, either to CCP GMs or other roleplayers that it isn't just something my character would do. The nadir of this behaviour was in the case of Silas Vitalia. Silas, I'm sorry. Just because I didn't agree with the way you were roleplaying, it didn't give me the right to treat you in that way.
I have often, in fits of pique, outright stated that I am mentally and morally superior to others on a level that they simply can't admit to themselves, sometimes on a level they can't even comprehend. Put simply, this is fucking stupid. Without immodesty, I'm actually pretty intelligent, but I'm certainly not a genius, nor God's gift to humankind. I apologise if I ever told you I'm simply "better" than you on account of "Because That's The Way It Is Goddamnit".
Most egregiously I have treated those closest to me in the community - people I have met in real life and consider to be true friends, beyond the medium of the internet - in ways that are patently unacceptable. While it's by no means excusable to abuse people who are no more than random strangers on the internet, it's particularly poor form to mistreat people who've given me their trust and loyalty. I will often complain about people I don't like to them, manipulatively attempting to gain their sympathy and agreement. I have, on more than one occasion, verbally taken out my frustration over others in the community on them because they were easy targets who wouldn't hit back. Stitcher, Verone, Vince, I'm really sorry. Your friendship, respect and trust means more to me than my own pride.
Lastly, I'm going to come right out and say it - I
rage. I take any loss or defeat quite seriously - not just in EVE, but in TF2, League of Legends, Supreme Commander - heck, just about any game I play. I often lash out angrily at others around me - sometimes blaming them for my own failings, sometimes blaming them for valid failings on their part which are nonetheless inconsistent with the amount of criticism I give. I'm slowly learning to get better at this, but it's a large part of why I simply don't PvP very much at all. Firstly, it's because it puts me in a vulnerable position where I'm very likely to get upset, and secondly, that anger can be exploited by others, to my own detriment and that of my allies. I'm also
not very good terrible at it, which exascerbates both of these problems.
Now, I'm going to say I got this way because of EVE Online. I'm not blaming the game - it's the way I've been playing it. It stopped being a game that I played to have fun, and started being a game I played to win - when it's not a game that can be won, nor was I in a particularly good position to do so, compounding my frustration. My obsession with victory - or more specifically, of the outward appearence of generalised superiority over other players - led me to behave in a manner irreconcilable with basic human dignity and ethics.
I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for all of it.
My apology takes the form of, in large part, my admission of these problems, as well as my promise to try and moderate my future behaviour in a more respectful and thoughtful manner. I cannot promise that I will always succeed, but I'll certainly always try.
It's very hard to admit I'm wrong, and it's damned hard to lose face in one of the most ruthless and unforgiving video games in existence, but I would rather this game be an awesome fun adventure that I can share with friends than a game I constantly try (and fail) to win while being sad and alone.
- Andrew
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Topic: Perhaps The Most Honest Thing I Will Ever Write (Read 2945 times)