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All male members of the Ardishapur family traditionally have their right hand amputated? See why you don't make the Emperor's mother angry.

Author Topic: Poetry: untitled  (Read 1228 times)

Thulla Icin

  • Clonejack
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Poetry: untitled
« on: 31 Jul 2017, 17:25 »
Intended for the YC 119 New Eden Capsuleer's Writing Contest.


pod
tumbling
Out Of Control!
as the lasers
sear my skin
And in that instant --
all is
light
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Ayallah

  • Kameira
  • Egger
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Re: Poetry: untitled
« Reply #1 on: 02 Aug 2017, 15:20 »
Simple, but leaves tension in the word unsaid.   Use of capitalization was very good but the word And being capitalized detracts from what is an interesting way to convey the motion in the piece. 
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Thulla Icin

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Re: Poetry: untitled
« Reply #2 on: 02 Aug 2017, 19:47 »
Thank you for the feedback!  Definitely helpful, and whether or not I wanted to capitalize 'And' was something I was uncertain about, so having feedback specifically on that is nice (even if the response is that it does not seem effective, as knowing this helps me lean).

Thank you for not just judging, but giving feedback!
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