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[Casiella]

Exactly. Either what I do IG is "real," and so she should be more upset about violence than sex, or what I do IG is "gameplay" and it's fine.

She's fairly open-minded in most related respects, though not quite as much as I'd like. Close, though.

[Havohej]

'Hey darling I killed another sixhundredthousand people today, I hope you don't mind, they're all just underclass peasents anyways." 

I've had almost that exactly conversation in EVE RP, actually.  From both sides of the "omgmurderer" divide, too, on different characters.   

[Zuzanna Alondra]

'Hey darling I killed another sixhundredthousand people today, I hope you don't mind, they're all just underclass peasents anyways." 

"Oh - you too?  That makes me feel alot better now about the pillaging, murder and um... I've been sleeping with your FC."

[Laerise [PIE]]

The worst thing I can imagine is:

"You keep talking of this Eve, who THE F*** IS THAT BITCH!?"

"It's just a game love."

"So you call it a game? To bed that whore behind my back, this Eve, you bastard I hate you!"

:p

[Kamiko Hautala]

Not necessarily part of the "lifestyle", but I'm a guy and I enjoy some light S&M. Nothing extreme, though.

[Mizhara]

Yeah, I'm a deeply kinky bastard switch (mainly Dom).
Unfortunately where I live there is no real community of like-minded folk to speak of. So, eventually my relationships peter out due to boredom, as I've never so much as met anyone not on the internet who shares my interests (Girlfriends: "Huh? that sounds weird!").
Oh well. Maybe someday I can afford to move somewhere interesting people live.

Tell me about it. This relationship I'm trying out is the last resort where I live. If it tanks, it's relocation or just resigning myself to random vanilla onenighters for quite some time.

[Carmilla]

I have to hold my hand up and agree that pretty much all of the above does in some way relate to me.

Hell, just look at my sig. 

Carmilla

[Eva]

I've been a sub since before I knew that sex existed. Which is kind of annoying, seeing as I'm also a feminist. Unfortunately, what I need in the bedroom (or on the dining room table, or up against a wall in alley) is seen by some as pretty much a betrayal of feminist principles and a mockery of everyone who's ever been sexually abused.

For me, it's not the same thing. If anyone ever tried to rape, beat or torture me, I'd try to kick the shit out of them and bloody hope I succeeded. But if someone I trust absolutely wants to pretend to abuse me, that's something different.

I've never met a dom, be they male or female, who was anything other than sickened at the thought of anything non-consensual. There's a huge mental gap between wanting the thing, and wanting to play at the thing. Like paintball... it doesn't necessarily mean you really want to hide behind a tree and shoot people fatally with a real gun.

So yes, as you can see, I still feel very defensive about it.

On a completely different note, it says something, I think, about the pressures of modern life that there are so many submissives these days (WTB large import of Doms from Germany plx!). As a rule of thumb, I feel that people who have to be aggressive or decisive in daily life tend to be submissive in bed, having to abdicate as much responsibility as possible in order to relax, while those who tend to be mild and obliging by persona just want to throw someone down and have it their own way for once (*quiver*). Does anyone else think that's true as a generalist observation?

There are very few pure Doms I've met, and most of those I have, have been female and straight (I'd grumble but I'm a relationship). So it seems to be a hard life for a female sub these days.

Finally, I wouldn't necessarily draw any conclusions about Eva from the above - I play a character, not myself

[Mizhara]

You touched upon one thing that's often misunderstood, and may be the reason this lifestyle has retained it's little 'taboo' feel. It's always consensual. It's so much deeper than just "Yeah, I get to beat you/restrain you/whatever, and you take it, okay?". It's a trust and bond that can be exceedingly hard to achieve in most normal relationships, even. What kind of trust would you need to feel for somebody, before you'd let them restrain you beyond the point of ever getting out yourself, then have their way with you without you having any way to stop them?

No Dom/Domme I know of could even consider the concept of abusing that trust without starting to dryheave in disgust. Myself included.

As for the 'Dominant personality, sub in the bedroom' and vice versa bit... yes, that happens. Personally, I'm a Switch, but depending on my normal life situation, it decides whether I'm D or s at the time, privately. It's... enormously liberating to simply give up all control. To just resign yourself to the fact that now you are not in control of yourself, your fate and what will happen to you. You just concentrate on doing the best you can to the Dominant in question, leaving the responsibility, the stress, the decisions and being in charge behind.

When I'm not in that kind of real life situation, it can be delightful to do the vice-versa thing. That I take charge of another person's life or sex-life (depending on the relationship). That I take the responsibility to care for, order, provide for and train/discipline another person to the point that it is the main part of my life. And I do it while knowing that the person appreciates, and even loves me for it. And that he or she trusts me to do it, without reservation. Either way you go, it creates a bond, understanding and fondness for the other person, which I am afraid to say... I've never experienced in a vanilla relationship.

Anyway, thank you Eva for speaking up like that. From the defensiveness about it, it sounds like it took courage and determination. It impresses me, when people do that, and show a part of themselves that can easily be misunderstood or judged by those who don't know better or doesn't understand.

I'd hug you and smile widely if I could.

[Inara Subaka]

...As a rule of thumb, I feel that people who have to be aggressive or decisive in daily life tend to be submissive in bed, having to abdicate as much responsibility as possible in order to relax, while those who tend to be mild and obliging by persona just want to throw someone down and have it their own way for once (*quiver*). Does anyone else think that's true as a generalist observation?...

I would agree with the as a general statement (obvious exceptions to the rule exist, but generally speaking).

Personally, I'm a bona fide switch with no preference that I can really pick up on. My only reservation is being a bottom to a weak top, if they don't have the 'intestinal fortitude' to make me do what they want, I can't make myself respect their position and it ruins things rather quickly.

There's something comforting about putting everything in the hands of someone else for a bit (I don't know if I could do 24/7, but haven't tried it), knowing that they will take care of you as long as you please them.

And other times, it's satisfying to just have your way with someone. Knowing they are depending on you to care for them and their entire purpose is to please you, is a bit of an rush.

Unfortunately, since I quit traveling for work and am now quasi-tied down to one location that's highly conservative, I haven't had much of a chance that past couple years. Thank God I'm still young.

[Eva]

Inara, I know what you mean.

When I first joined the RP community in Eve, I noticed that... well, as someone playing a female character, you may have noticed that there are a lot of players who immediately try and get into your cybernetic spacepants. There was a lot of (hopefully) metaphorical "rolling on the floor wetting themselves like an over-pampered poodle" that made my stomach turn.

I have to respect someone to consider them a friend, never mind accept them as a Dom/Domme. How can you trust someone you don't respect?

Guys, take note!

Jumping back a post to Miz's reply to mine, yes. I saw the thread when you first posted it and I considered replying then, but bottled out of it (this is a Britishism for "chickening out").

I was afraid I would get tarred as "rape-bait," hit on a lot (I already get hit on a lot but it's different in that the guys are joking and being playful, not seriously homing in on my pants, which I actually found a pair of the other day...) or, because I'm trying to work in the games industry, get turned down by prospective employers under the weird and mistaken belief that I would turn up to the office in nipple clamps or something.

But, I think just like the LGBT community, the more people "come out" and help others know and understand the truth of any sexuality, the more people will stop being afraid that it is in any way shape or form relevant to our behaviour, professionalism or skills as employees, contractors or even employers.

So in the end, I posted. Besides, half of Eve already knows about me anyway.

[And for anyone confused about the terms "top" and "bottom" in Inara's posts, you can roughly translate them as "he or she who does" and "he or she who is done to."]

[Casiella]

I do recall Eva in particular jumping to a conclusion OOCly. When I was switching from Kudon to Casiella, and mentioned I would be playing a female character (as an open RL male), you suggested and nearly assumed she'd be a lesbian, when nothing was further from the truth. And I felt like, even had she been, so what?

Sometimes we all still struggle with our open-mindedness, me at the top of that list.

[Eva]

I didn't actually know you used to be Kudon. But I forget a lot of things.

I'm very sorry for that - sounds like I was being a bit of a shit that day.

[Casiella]

I didn't actually know you used to be Kudon. But I forget a lot of things.

I'm very sorry for that - sounds like I was being a bit of a shit that day.

We all have bad days, and I didn't mean I was holding it against you in any way. I'm just saying that open-mindedness takes continual work and effort, particularly for folks like me (and Myrhial, from another thread) who come from very conservative backgrounds.

This particular thread has educated me in entirely new ways!

[Inara Subaka]

When I first joined the RP community in Eve, I noticed that... well, as someone playing a female character, you may have noticed that there are a lot of players who immediately try and get into your cybernetic spacepants. There was a lot of (hopefully) metaphorical "rolling on the floor wetting themselves like an over-pampered poodle" that made my stomach turn.

Inara's a different story from me, she's a power freak in ways I don't even ponder for me in the real world. Fortunately, it's obvious and it scares off the weak willed ones that are looking for quick cybernetic spacepants removal (I also have no interest in eRP, so that simplifies a lot of things too).

Back on the topic of RL, the problem I've found is that people often assume that if you have a fetish of some type that you're a 'freak' in general. Professional relationships can be ruined (fortunately, I've only seen, but never experienced that), people assume that you're 'easy', and/or you must be a deviant that can't be trusted in society because you're sick (as in, they think there's something wrong with you mentally). It's frustrating, and it's one of the reasons I encourage people to educate others about their own 'fetishes'.