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Author Topic: Slaver Hound Training For Dummies  (Read 61 times)

Korsavius

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Slaver Hound Training For Dummies
« on: 19 Oct 2017, 13:32 »

Hey all. My 1st entry for the YC 119 Pod and Planet Fiction Contest Humor category. Hope you find it at least mildly amusing, if not outright funny or comical. :D

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Slaver Hound Training For Dummies
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With a recent rise in slaver hound-related maulings and deaths among less economically blessed regions, the Amarr Civil Service issued the authorization for the release of a manual which offered cutting edge analysis and advice for properly handling a slaver hound. However, true to the stereotypical hubris of many Amarr - and budget cuts - the resulting product was quite literally “dumbed down” and comical to appeal to populations they assumed to be affected by the problem.

The following is an excerpt from the YC119 Slaver Hound Training For Dummies manual.


Chapter I - Acquisition
Finding the one.

To some, love comes at first sight. To others, love comes at first contact between their laser and the face of their adversary. And to others still, love is any relationship seen on holo not approved by the Ministry of Internal Order (we’re not heretics please don’t kill us). But when it comes to selecting the perfect, most loyal, and most fiercest slaver hound...well, that takes some work. Of course, you could always try delegating the task to your enslaved financial accountant, but don’t be surprised when you receive your order only to find a furrier instead. Cute. But not a slaver hound. Off with their heads! Note: we do not condone the murder of your Matari slave stock for wrongly purchasing furriers instead of hounds; try using Vitoc or transcranial microcontrollers as punishment instead (whips work too).

In all seriousness, here is a convenient list of things to consider when selecting the perfect hound:

1. Rabies check.
      - Uh, hello? This one is totes obvi.
2. Complete list of vaccinations.
      - What vaccinations…? Um, well just ask the supplier. Yeah. Do that.
3. Breed.
      - There aren’t many breeds to worry about. However, we recommend avoiding those bred from House Ardishapur associates. They tend to
      be missing a paw or two.
4. Gender
      - This actually doesn’t matter. But as an equal opportunities employer, the Amarr Civil Service is required to inform you that the gender of
      your slaver hound does not affect performance.
5. Size
      - Size matters.
      - The bigger the better. Bigger as in muscular, of course. A fat slaver hound doesn’t quite leap as high in the air you know. Let alone instill
      fear into your slave stock.

And there you have it. Our comprehensive list of factors to take into account when selecting your next slaver hound.

Chapter II - Transportation
Moving the damn thing(s).

We are contractually obligated to advocate and promote use of Imperial shipping services. However, outside contractors work just fine. Just be careful about using non-Empire shipping. You may or may not find that planetary customs rejects your hound delivery due to walnut contamination.

Chapter III - Basic Training
Slaver hound boot camp.

So you picked your perfect hound. You managed to get it delivered to you in one piece. Now what? Well, now it is time to whip it into shape. Hah. Get it? Whip it into shape. Cause you probably own slaves. And you probably whip them. Hahah. I crack myself up sometimes.

Here are some  basic do’s and don’t’s when it comes to basic training for your not-loyal-yet companion:

1. DO note they are actually not loyal to you yet.
      It may or may not try to kill you. Do not fear. This is normal, at first. It takes time to develop a bond. It takes time to develop trust, and
      deep affection. You might be patient and loving, but sometimes that isn’t enough. Sometimes they pretend to love you even though they
      really don’t. Sometimes they’ll just use you for your money. Sometimes you may walk in on them with your best friend. And then next thing
      you know you’re in the middle of a divorce. Half your things are getting taken away. And they just leave you with nothing. Yeah. So be
      patient.
2. DON’T turn your back on your untrained, unbonded slaver hound.
      If you do and happen to see a shadow in the air over you, you can probably stop reading now. You probably won’t have eyes after such an
      incident. Might be missing a few limbs too.
3. DO assert your dominance.
      No not in the special Gallente brothel kind of way. You silly heretic. You can achieve this by biting them on the ear. Or you can not be a filthy
      animal and just crack the whip to get them in line. Maybe wear a skintight leather suit while you’re at it. Yeah...mhm.
4. DON’T leave the hound around your family without proper supervision.
      You are the one who made the decision to acquire one. You must be the one to take proper care of it. Be smart and leave your family out of
      this. Leaving an untrained slaver hound with them may turn ugly. Hide yer kids, hide yer wife.
5. DO your laundry.
      This isn’t actually related to basic training of a slaver hound, but seriously. Do your own damn laundry. You are a grown Holder/Commoner.
      This is the one thing you don’t need your slaves to do. Sheesh.

And so concludes the basic training module of our how-to guide. Taking these easy steps will ensure that your newly acquired slaver hound is perfectly on track to becoming a loyal and mighty beast.

The manual was only in circulation for a mere two weeks before being pulled from distribution. The author(s) behind the manual were rumored to be fired from the Amarr Civil Service, and ACS supposedly coerced the Amarr Certified News network not to leak word about the whole debacle. Meanwhile, black market copies of the manual have been fetching high prices in both Syndicate and Federation space.
« Last Edit: 19 Oct 2017, 17:31 by Korsavius »
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