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Author Topic: L'Hécate de Nos Mémoires – An Interstellar Love Story  (Read 373 times)

Pokari-Sweat

  • Clonejack
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L'Hécate de Nos Mémoires – An Interstellar Love Story

A story of one man and his Hecate

[All dialogue and narration is sung]
[Ships are represented by people in boxes]

Characters (In order of appearance)   
                                        Character:                               Played by:
                                        Narrator                                  - Panther Eto
                                        Alen Asques                            - Alen Asques
                                        Bartender                               - Ariel Sky
                                        Background characters 1, 2      - Kondari, Zalord
                                        Crew member 1                       - Annex Tormi
                                        Jita local 1, 2                           - Zendr Pseudonimous, Gloobz
                                        Aura                                        - Onslaughtor
                                        Voice                                       - Jonus Falcon
                                        Group of ships                         - Rest of PNS
                                        Fleet Commander                    - Naava Edios
                                        Hecate Voice                           - Jim Lopau
(Stage is dark)
 
SCENE 1:
 
Narrator (Off-stage):       This story begins in the universe’s core,
                                     The Caldari Navy Assembly Plant of Jita 4-4.

(Light in the center of the stage, focusing on Alen Asques)
(The character Alen Asques lies on the floor with a spilled can of Quafe Zero in his hand)

Bartender (Off Stage):      And stay out!

(Alen gets up and looks out at the audience)

Alen:                               Well, that’s not very nice.
                                      I couldn’t even finish my drink.
                                      I guess I’ll head back to my ship,
                                      I need some time to think.

(Alen exits stage left. Stage goes dark again)
 
SCENE 2:
 
(Background changes to docking bay area, stage lights up)
(Alen walks from stage left into the middle of the stage)

Background chatter 1:       I told you that you couldn’t bring those on the ship.
                                       It’ll increase the mass too much.

Background chatter 2:       But I’ll get lonely at night.
                                       How can I get by without my exotic dancers,
                                       Slaves, and even my fedos?
                                       I’ll take the risk, and that’s final!

(One of Alen’s crew members enters in from stage right)

Alen:                               Status report!
                                      Is she ready to go?
                                      I’m not drunk I swear,
                                      But it’s not like Concord will know.

Crew member 1:              I can update you on the situation,
                                      But I detest this conversation.
                                      I mean no offense, don’t get me wrong.
                                      But why must we converse in song?

Alen:                              You understood the full commitment when you signed on.
                                      The isk is good. Better than in Safizon.
                                      Now ready the Hecate (He-Ka-Tay) -

Crew member 1:              (Interrupts) Hecate (He-Kate) –

Alen:                             I can pronounce it however I want.
                                     It’s HECATE (He-Ka-Tay) to me.

(Alen looks at the Hecate in the hanger)           

Alen:                             We’ve been through much, you and I.
                                     I often dream of the days gone past,
                                     When we would explore the great unknown.
                                     Past these blinding lights of Jita 4-4.
                                     No one to hold us back or push us forward.
                                     And now I wish to go back to that time.
                                     But we both know that we aren’t as young,
                                     As young as we used to be …

Crew member 1:            Who are you talking to?

Alen:                             Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a monologue?
                                     Get back to work. I don’t pay you to relax.
                                     Now where was I?
                                     Yes I remember now!

(Stares at the Hecate again)

Alen:                            Let’s head out to the unending expanse of space,
                                   To search for loot, isk, and some new corpses to line the closet.

Crew member 1:           Hey, what was that last thing?

Alen:                            I said we were going to search for loot and isk.
                                   You really must get your aural filters checked.

Crew member 1:           Nevermind.

(Both Alen and the crew member walk off stage right)
(Stage darkens again and the background is changed to the Jita 4-4 station undock)
 
SCENE 3:
 
(Alen and his crew member are in a box with some wings so that it looks like a Hecate, kind of like the Friendship)
(Stage lights up)
(Various other people are moving around in ship boxes, with a machariel box bumping an obelisk box)

Alen:                           It’s great to be on the outside,
                                   I never really liked the constant clicks in the station,
                                   The people, they didn’t care about you,
                                   They only looked at your wallet,
                                   Hoping that you’d give them a portion,
                                   A portion of your hard earned isk,
                                   While they didn’t work at all.
                                   These non-capsuleers have it easy,
                                   One life is all they have,
                                   Yet they spend it here…

(Explosion in the distance, obelisk is blown up)
(Stage darkens and a light focuses on the obelisk and talos boxes)
(Soon the ganking taloses explode when Concord boxes show up)
(Background Chatter 1 and 2 exit stage left while spinning around)

Background Chatter 1:   I told you it was a bad idea!
                                   You never listen!

Background Chatter 2:   I hope no one checks zkillboard.
                                   I didn’t give them my API.

(Stage is lit up again)

Jita local 1 (Off-stage):   Quitting Eve Fire Sale! Take all I have for 9.9 bil!

Jita local 2 (Off-stage):   If you are quitting EVE, then why do you need isk?

Jita local 1 (Off-stage):   I can double your isk, if you can read.

Jita local 2 (Off-stage):   You’ve just been added to my block list.

Alen:                           It seems that the ship handles well.
                                  It’s just as beautiful as the day I built her.
                                  With my own two hands I might add.
                                  And maybe some forced labour.
                                 Let’s check the map, and plot a course.
                                 Who knows? There might be large engagements to see.
                                 A titan to kill, a super to whore on.
                                 All this just thinking about it gets me jittery.

Crew member 1:        It seems there’s something happening in Molden Heath,
                                Activity has lit up like a bright light.
                                Reports of multiple capital ships tackled.
                                Maybe even a titan.
                                But it’ll be dangerous sir!
                                Shortest route takes us through Rancer.

Alen:                        Rancer?

Background Chatter 1:(Offstage) Rancer?

Jita local 1 + 2:          Rancer?

All together:               Rancer!

(Stage darkens, everyone exits the stage)
(Background changes to inside the docking bay area)
 
Scene 4:
 
(Stage brightens up)
(Alen is in the middle of the stage)

Aura (Off-stage):           Docking request accepted.
                                   You cannot change ships so frequently.
                                   You cannot change ships so frequently.
                                   You are fitting the wrong module to this slot.

Alen:                           I don’t care if I’m not supposed to fit it!
                                   I can fit anything I want!
                                   Hyperspatials in the rigs, the highs, the mids, the lows,
                                  Don’t forget a turret for those killmails.

(Alen rubs his hands together)

Alen:                           Load up all the spike I have!
                                  Buy some more if you have to!
                                  Fill up the cargohold with ammunition …
                                  (Pause)
                                  Maybe leave some space for my corpse collection.

Crew member 1:          Aye, aye, captain!
                                 She  is filled to the brim with spike!
                                 Well, of course I fit her up properly,
                                 (To himself quietly) Much to my own delight.

Alen:                          Well, what are we waiting for?
                                  Those capitals won’t last for long!

(Alen exits stage left)

Aura (Off-stage)            Undocking.

(Stage darkens)       
 
~INTERMISSION~
 
SCENE 5:
 
(Background is replaced with the space in the Rancer system)
(Alen and Crew member 1 are moving in the Hecate box from stage right)
(Pirate 1 and 2 are on the very end of stage left)

Pirate 1:                   I told you that this was a good spot.

Pirate 2:                   Shhh! Someone is coming!

(Pirate 1 and 2 exit stage left)

Alen:                       This doesn’t seem dangerous at all!
                              No one is flashy in local chat.
                              And to think I’d have to take precautions,
                              You really are a fraidy cat.

(Crew member 1 grumbles to himself)

Alen:                       Well, I’ll humor you this time.
                              We’ll warp to a celestial first.
                               I’ve had some experiences with smartbombers,
                               I’m prepared for the worst.

Aura (Off-stage):       Warp-drive active.

(The Hecate box approaches the stage left)

(Pirates 1 and 2 suddenly appear from stage left)

Pirate 1 and 2:             Aha! We’ve got you now!

(Lights up firecrackers)
(Hecate ignores pirates and heads off stage left)

Alen (Off-stage):    It appears my caution was correct.
                            Unfortunately for you, my ship is undamaged.
                            Typing in local: “Git gud, you tards.”
                            The gate guns send their regards.

(Pirates scream and stage darkens)
 
SCENE 6:
 
(Background is replaced with a different space)
(Stage lights up again)
(Hecate ship is travelling in the center of the stage)

Alen:                     You never did tell me why you joined my crew.
                            And now that you’ve seen the dangers,
                            Why do you stay?
                            You can live your life in luxury if you walked away.

Crew member 1:    Well, Captain, the space-faring life is all I’ve known.
                            And I don’t want to lose the comradery that you’ve shown.
                            And there’s nothing for me to go back to, you know very well.
                            I’d not want to return to that rat-infested hell.

(Hecate ship is travelling, but this time slower)

Alen:                     I do believe that we are experiencing an interesting sensation.

Crew member 1:    It seems to be 50% time dilation.

Alen:                     Let’s hope for the best,
                            As we approach this Lowsec gate,
                            They’ll warp scramble all the rest,
                            And we’ll escape their fates.

Crew member 1:    Aye, aye, Captain!

(Hecate slowly reaches stage left, but moves slower the closer it is to the stage left)

Alen:                    Here we go!

(Gate activation sound)
(Hecate heads off stage-left)
(Stage darkens)
(Background changes to dark Molden Heath colours)
 
SCENE 7:
 
(Stage lights up and there are a lot of ship boxes around the center of the stage)
(Hecate appears from stage right)

Alen:                     Okay, hold cloak, don’t move a muscle.
                            Whisper if you have to,
                            They won’t know we are here.

Crew member 1:    (Whispers) Aye, aye, Captain.

Alen:                     How to get out of this predicament,
                            Our cloak timer is almost spent.
                            We’ll need to hope that someone else goes through.
                            It’s not going to be me or you.

(Voice comes in from stage right)

Voice:                    Hey guys, there’s an Aeon tackled!
                            I don’t think you’d want to camp this gate.
                            Missing out on this would be a huge mistake!

Group of ships:      Warp-drive active.

(Group of ships head off stage left)

Alen:                     That was a stroke of luck!
                            We can head safely forward!

Aura:                     (Time dilated) Warp-drive active

Alen:                     I can feel the ship slowly align.
                            There’s no one here, everything’s fine.

(Interceptor box appears from stage right)

Crew member 1:    Watch out!

Alen:                     Huh?

(Interceptor box points his warp scrambler at the Hecate)
(Crew member jumps out of the box and is hit by the scram)

Crew member 1:    You must escape! You can’t be caught!
                            Or else all our efforts will be for naught!
                            I have one final message before I depart.
                            Tell my girl I loved her with all my heart.

(Explosion is heard and crew member 1 and the interceptor box exit stage right)

Alen:                     I wish I could have spent more time with him, but alas!
                            I must carry on, this pain will pass!
                            I do have some sense of regret and shame.
                            I never did ask for his name.
                            (Insert canned audience laugh track)

Aura (Off-stage):    Warp-drive active.

(Stage darkens as the Hecate approaches and exits stage left)
(Background switches to a grid with many wrecks)
 
SCENE 8:
 
(Stage lightens up with three main fleets, equally spaced apart)
(Hecate stands in stage right)

Alen:                     (To himself) I can sneak myself into a fleet.
                            They wouldn’t even suspect me.
                            FC, please take my X in chat.
                            Make it quick, before I get shot.
                            I’m bringing in my Hecate and coming in hot.

Aura (Off-stage):   2840 km until warp bubble collapse.

(Hecate moves a bit closer to the fight)

Alen:                    There we go, I got in fleet.
                            Now I can pad my killboard and be elite.
                            Found my warp-in, ready to warp,
                            It’ll be the eleventh supercarrier kill for my corp.

Aura (Off-stage):   Warp-drive active.

(Hecate arrives next to one of the fleets, closest to stage right)

Alen:                    I’ll fit right in. It’s all armor T3s.
                            You’ll always need hard tackle.
                            Those proteuses and legions look shiny.
                            But I must focus on my main task.
                            Switch my overview to capitals only.
                            My eyes light up as I see the potential.

Narrator (Off-stage): But little did he know that his decision to come was so consequential.
                              Alen’s hands started shaking.

Alen:                       All these expensive killmails ripe for the taking.

(Play “I’m So Excited” by The Pointer Sisters)

Narrator (Off-stage): Suddenly, a beacon appears. (Cue cyno sound)
                            A mistake so critical, there is no greater fear.
                            A bridging titan clicked jump, not bridge.

(An Erebus-looking Amazon box appears from stage left)

Fleet Commander:  Get heavy tackle on that thing!
                            Get everyone in! Ping! Ping! Ping!

Aura (Off-stage):    (Repeated) Warp-drive active.

(All groups head off to stage left, including the titan)
(The stage is darkened and the background changes to that of a stargate)
 
SCENE 9:
 
(The Hecate and other ships are all stage right, with the Avatar in the center of the stage)

Fleet Commander:  It seems we won’t be able to hold it!
                            It’s about to jump the gate.

Hecate Voice:         Alen, you know it is the time.

Alen:                     You don’t need to do this.

Hecate Voice:        All good times come to an end.
                            My life is satisfied, my friend.

Aura (Off-stage):    Auto-pilot engaged.

(Hecate heads off towards the titan)

Aura (Off-stage)      Escape pods engaged.

Alen:                      Let me stay, I’ll go down with the ship!

Hecate Voice:          I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Alen.
                              You must continue to live.

(Alen is ejected from the Hecate. The stage is dark with a light focusing on Alen. Alen puts his hand out towards the Hecate. The Hecate is carried by men dressed in black and continues to approach the Avatar)

Alen:                       (Salutes) o7

(Stage darkens. An explosion is heard)
(Light focuses on Alen and the Fleet Commander in the center of the stage)     
(Stage is filled with wrecks)

Fleet Commander:  (Looks around) I look around and shiver at the cost.
                            Was the titan worth all that we have lost?
                            But I want to thank the one with the oversized balls.
                            The lone Hecate that had saved us all.

Narrator:               As the Hecate continued to explode,
                            The hero rose once more, his heart about to implode.
                            He looked the fleet commander in the eyes,
                            And let out one final, tearful, reply.

Alen:                     FC, hello.    (Play instrumental version of “Hello” by Lionel Richie)
                            Is it me you’re looking for?

(Stage darkens, stage curtain lowers, music fades)

END/FIN

(Applause happens here)
« Last Edit: 28 Jan 2017, 14:38 by Pokari-Sweat »
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Pokari-Sweat

  • Clonejack
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  • Posts: 3

This is supposed to be my submission for the ATYH contest - Comedy
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Xepharious

  • Egger
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  • Posts: 144
  • Building a home, one word at a time
    • What is you Origin Story?

I'll get it linked asap, would you like it posted under Pokari-Sweat or some other name?
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Xepharious
ALEXYLVA PARADOX | Sub-Coordinator | Recruiter
alexylva.webnode.com
What's your Origin Story?
http://www.alexylva-paradox.com/origin-tldr/

Pokari-Sweat

  • Clonejack
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  • Posts: 3

You can post it as Alen Asques.

Thanks.
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K.Savage

  • Clonejack
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  • Posts: 4

Amazing \o/
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