Late YC 117, The Holy Grape, a dimly lit dive bar in Amarr space.
A number of shadowy figures lurk around a table in the bar.
"This Nauplius situation is out of hand", said one figure, a male voice, beneath a hooded robe.
"True, but what can be done about it ?", asked a second figure, a female voice, also hooded.
"I have an idea", said a third figure, also female.
Early YC 118, "The Summit" capsuleer communication channel.
"It has been some time since I last saw Shirley Serious, the journalist", said the Khanid capsuleer, known as Nauplius.
"Probably investigating more sightings of 'bhaalgorns' on planets", said an Achuran capsuleer, Aria Jenneth.
"I heard a rumour that she'd been kidnapped by Samira Kernher, as part of a revenge plot against you, Nauplius", said a True Amarr, named Valerie Valate.
"O how wicked. O how vile is Samira Kernher, who probably consorts with Molok the Deceiver", said Nauplius.
"Supposedly she's being held in the Kernher Pleasure Fortress. Somewhere in Ardishapur space, I think it is. Lots of frilly things and pillows and so on and so forth.", said Valerie.
"Frills are the tool of the Deceiver", said Nauplius.
Ardishapur space
"Oho, what's this I see on this planetary scan ?" said Valerie Valate to herself, inside her capsule, commanding a Magnate class astrometrics frigate.
She mentally pressed a button, bringing up a detailed view of a structure on the planetary surface. "Now, there's something I didn't expect to see."
Surrounding a tall tower in the shape of an eye atop a pillar, were several quadruped mechs.
"Hand-shaped MTACs. Well, now there's a thing", remarked Valerie to herself. "I bet this is what we're looking for".
She mentally wrote a group evemail, summoning the team.
Planetary surface.
"This is surely the Kernher Pleasure Fortress.", said one of the team, a statuesque blonde Amarr. "Those hand-shaped MTACs are a dead giveaway"
"What makes you so sure, Professor Valate?", asked the second team member, a Khanid man wearing what looked like a hair shirt.
"Well, the tower is shaped like the Ardishapur symbol. And there's the hand-shaped mechs. And also that sign that says 'property of Samira Kernher. Keep Out.' over there"
"Any ideas on how to get past those things ?", asked the third team member, a glamorous Gallente female journalist.
"Beepity beepity beep boop", said the fourth team member, a robot blonde girl.
"What's that, Synthia ? You might be able to override the control signal ?"
"Boop"
"Alright, but be careful!"
"Dwooo"
"I thought S.y.n.t.h.1.A could talk ?", asked the Gallente
"Normally, yes, but this is her robot form. Speech in her robot form is very difficult.", said Professor Valate.
The three humans crept towards the fortress. The hand-shaped mechs stomped around menacingly. Suddenly, they burst into frenetic activity, their middle fingers swivelling madly, and firing laser beams.
"What's happening ?" gasped the Gallente.
"I don't know. Synthia must have tripped an alarm or something."
"We have to press on", said Nauplius.
Then, just as suddenly as it started, the mechs stopped, one of them, standing on it's thumb, pinkie and ring finger, fell over with a crash.
"She's disabled the mechs. Let's go!", said Professor Valate.
The three rushed towards the entrance to the tower, where the robot girl met them, before they entered.
"Stop right there, deviants!" said a female voice.
"Goodness me, it's the Dread Lady of Amarr herself!" said Nauplius. "O how wicked she is".
"Silence, blasphemer !", said the Dread Lady Aspenstar. "You will not pass", she boomed, drawing her sword.
The three humans and their robot companion retreated a few steps.
"What do we do ?", asked Professor Valate. "She's legendary with that sword"
"wait, I have an idea", said the Gallente woman, and drew some hardcopies of an image from her jacket, and throwing them towards the menacing Dread Lady.
The Dread Lady regarded the images with a curious eye, before gasping in horror, dropping her sword. "Aaaah!" she cried. "Noooooo!".
With the Dread Lady neutralised, the three humans and their robot companion rushed past.
"What was that image ?" asked Professor Valate.
"Oh", said the Gallente woman. "Just some pictures of her daughter Maria, wearing a dress that was more than 3 finger widths shorter than the knee, talking to some boys her own age, with strange haircuts."
"O how wicked", said Nauplius.
"Boop", remarked Synthia.
Suddenly, their progress was halted by another figure. "Halt, heretics", said the figure, a Ni-Kunni man. "I challenge you to a poetry slam!"
"Good lord, it's Aldrith Shutaq!", said Nauplius.
"You got to be real wack, to rhyme anything with Shutaq", said the Ni-Kunni
"aargh, my ears", said Nauplius, collapsing in pain.
"aaiieee", said the Gallente woman.
"Poems are my tools. For beating up on fools", the Ni-Kunni continued, forcing the team members into retreat.
Professor Valate, drew a small sphere from her belt, and lobbed it at the Ni-Kunni man
"Aaaaargh!" he screamed, falling to the floor and flailing at his head. "aaaargh!"
The team rushed on.
"What was that ?" said the Gallente woman
"A scalp wax grenade.", said Professor Valate. "Knew it'd come in handy for something".
"O how awful were those poems. O how vile is Aldrith Shutaq", said Nauplius.
"More like Baldrith now, hurr", said Professor Valate.
"Dwoo", remarked Synthia.
The team reached the top of the tower, opening the door to the inner sanctum, they found a Khanid woman, dressed in frilly clothes.
"Shirley!" said the Gallente woman.
"Muck Raker!", said the Khanid woman. "I knew you'd come. We have to get out of here, right away."
"Too late!" boomed a voice.
The five turned to see the source of the voice. A heavily muscled dark-skinned woman stepped out of the shadows.
"Samira Kernher!", said Nauplius.
"I knew you'd come. All we needed was the bait", said Samira, pointing at Shirley. "Minions. Destroy them!"
Suddenly, from doors that were previously hidden, a horde of screaming minions poured out. Horrendous pudgy distortions of the human form, they advanced towards the four humans and their robot companion.
"Yonis Ardishapur cuddle pillow robots!", gasped Professor Valate. "What madness is this ?"
"Stand back. My autoflagellator hair shirt shall deal with them", said Nauplius.
Twiddling a button on his hair shirt, Nauplius charged the pillow-robots. Whip-like cords sprang forth from his shirt, lashing the pillows mercilessly.
"O how unrighteous are cuddle pillows. See how they are given over to destruction", he said, as the whips tore lumps out of the pillow-robots.
"Noo! my pillows!", screamed Samira.
With a path cleared to the exit, the team rushed out of the inner sanctum. A deafening roar came from behind them.
"What was that ?", asked the Gallente woman
"I don't know, but I don't like it", said Professor Valate.
Reaching the ground floor, the team sprinted for their landing craft. Suddenly the sky darkened, as an immense winged figure fell from the sky to land in front of them.
"A bhaalgorn!" said Shirley.
"Shirley, you can't be serious. That's no bhaalgorn. That's Molok the Deceiver himself!", said Professor Valate.
"O how wicked is Samira Kernher, who consorts with Molok.", said Nauplius.
"Silence, mortals", said Molok, standing 5 metres tall, folding his wings behind him. "You cannot escape. Meet your doom."
The team quivered in fear, except for Synthia, who extruded a sheet of paper from her chest. She took the sheet of paper in her hand, and strode out to face Molok.
Clearing her throat, she said: "would you like an Explanatory Leaflet ?", holding up the sheet of paper.
Molok the Deceiver regarded the sheet of paper with a curious eye. "Not since the time of Amash-Akura has anyone attempted to talk with me. What is this 'Explanatory Leaflet' that you hold before me?"
"It is a Leaflet that Explains. It is about Religion", said Synthia.
"I see. Well, hand it over", said Molok.
Synthia gave Molok the leaflet, and he began reading it.
With Molok's attention distracted, the team sneaked away, then sprinted to the landing craft.
"That was a narrow escape", said Professor Valate.
"boop", said Synthia.
"O Shirley, how I have missed you", said Nauplius.
"How did they ever capture you in the first place ?", said Muck Raker, the Gallente journalist.
"It's a long story", said Shirley. "I'll tell you on the way away from here".
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Topic: Perils of the Pillow Palace. A Gutter Press Adventure (Read 2712 times)