She leaned back in the chair, a glass filled with a pale green liquid in hand. The lights were dimmed to almost nothing while classical chamber music played softly over the speakers. She thought back to the events of the previous day and the conversation she had with Arista. It made sense, all of it, yet seeing the logical sense meant little at the moment.
"How trite, looking for solace at the bottom of a glass. You are a pathetic and mewling little girl trying to play grown up. Go home child."
Steffanie gritted her teeth against the accusation. "I hate you," she whispered back.
"Hate? I can work with hate. But why hate me? I am merely trying to help you, my dear. Perhaps you should hate yourself instead. You're the responsible one, remember? The supposed knight. What foolishness. You know you would have saved yourself and your supposed friends a lot of grief had you just drowned."
She sat the glass back on the desk and bowed her head in shame. There had been a moment or two when that very act had crossed her mind. Yet she knew it would have been an act of cowardice and selfishness. "You mock and deride me, why? You are merely a sad and petty creature preying upon the insecure."
"I maybe petty, but at least I have strength. What do you have? Nothing. You are nothing and will continue to be..."
"Silence!" her voice echoed around the chamber, cutting the other off. "I have made mistakes and, yes, I am insecure and even weak. At least I am trying to better myself. To find myself. You, you are nothing to me. I deny you and the oblivion you promise."
Silence hung in the air for several moments. "You can't deny me, darling. You and me are one and the same. You just need to wake up and realize that my way is so much better for us both."
Steffanie glanced at the mirror that was on the desk, her reflection distorted in the dim lighting. "I can and I will deny you at every step," she whispered to the mirror, her voice taking a steely tone. "You are right though. Hating you is...pointless. I am done with the hate and I am done with blaming myself for everything. And you are right, I do need to grow up, but I am not going to be the person you want me to be. I will use you when I need to and discard you when I have no use for you. I have the final say, not you and it is something I should have seen sooner."
Placing the mirror face down on the desk she took a deep breath and exhaled. The darkness was still there and would always be there; something to challenge her decisions. In the past it had terrified her. Now, oddly enough she started to see how to use it as a means to hold herself accountable. "I will not go gently into this night...or however that old quote goes," she muttered to herself. Rising from the chair she knew she was far from cured, but at least she felt a little more whole inside.
Thinking back to the conversation back on the beach, she weighed her choices carefully.
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Topic: Reflections (Read 620 times)