I have never regarded myself as someone that needs to spend so much time online. I know that I feel good-looking enough, have the personality, and the social ability to lead a fulfilling life "in the real world". I am a very egoless person in reality, in fact, while I consider myself to be confident, I have quite a small self-esteem. I overcomplicate and overanalyze...this lack of ego in reality has led to me often becoming egotistic online.
Is this an uncommon occurence? Of course not.
Even with this ego that likes to creep out and assume control of my actions, I have no bad wishes for anyone, ever. There's been misunderstandings, miscommunications and misconceptions, as well as my plain recklessness, letting the ego take charge, that have labelled me in an extremely bad light with some people. But not with everyone. The people who I can say I'm friends with, realize this nature of mine. Realize that I am not "destined" to be another egotistical, Internet prick, and realize that the times I am one, is merely getting tied up in trying to protect a frail IRL ego by keeping one together online.
To all those who I have locked horns with, I'm sorry. Everything bad you can say about me is most likely true, but please, use some empathy, and consider that everyone has a reason to their actions, and those reasons are mostly not as intentional and cruel as you think. Though, the Net is notorious for lacking things such as "empathy"...for anyone who behaves like a prick, truly is one, to the bone, right? Even with those that do treat me worse for wear because of this, even with you, I do not think bad of you. I realize you have friends that mostly likely truly adore you, and that you are, like everyone, a good person, merely unhappy with my own behaviour. A pitfall of mine, is assuming everyone is a good person, but hey, I don't think that's far from the truth.
The issue with having such a dirty slate with this character, Seriphyn Inhonores, is that it makes interaction with people both IC and OOC difficult. I love people. In fact, I love making a fool out of myself in OOC channels just to provide them a laugh, though I understand sometimes some people find it offensive. Differing styles of humour, and whatnot. But sometimes I just want to RP free from any sort of OOC crap that go on. So what did I do? I made an alt, called Kiam Arreiz. I separated her from myself, assumed a different personality, in fact, one of a female player (I figured that's the best way to get friendly with people, right?) and went ahead with RPing.
During my time with this character, I had established an OOC friendship with a level of closeness that wasn't possible with Seriphyn...on that face, it flew between all sorts of 'love' and 'hate' emotions. But this was liberating. With Kiam, I assumed a completely different persona. None of the immaturities of Seriphyn, none of the rambling idiocies, none of his shit whatsoever. I had restarted EVE, afresh and anew. And even if Seriphyn and this person never got on consistently, Kiam and the same individual did.
But then they began to suspect. I didn't want to lose the friendship we had, and no, it was nothing close or intimate, given the private nature of this person. But I found this person genuinely intriguing, enigmatic...I wanted to be their friend, and wanted the affection from them that they wouldn't provide on Seriphyn. So I lied, asked a friend to lie for me, and all was well.
But then more suspected. On Seriphyn, my ego kicked in. I didn't want the humiliation of having this alt being put on this face. I defended myself by any means necessary, passive-aggression, pettyness....in fact, ironically, I had Kiam be a close OOC friend of Seriphyn. As apart of her personality, she was aware of all of Seriphyn's issues with ego and affection-whoring. So, I used her as a way to reflect on myself, to gossip about myself with other people. I could learn about myself, learn about my flaws, learn why I do them, how to fix them...and, well, gossiping about Seriphyn was a great way to earn some quick affection.
I was so desperate to keep the separation intact, that I went to extreme lengths to protect it. In fact it no longer was about having a 'clean slate' to RP with, because by that point, I had used Kiam Arreiz enough to learn about myself online that I no longer needed her anymore. It was twofold. 1) I wanted so much to hang onto this friendship I had and 2) My ego on Seriphyn couldn't possibly admit to someone else who had suspected that she was indeed my alt. I did not want to be humiliated. So, I called up a female friend of mine, and got her to pose as Kiam on Ventrilo.
The plan was working, until the many months of deception and lying to people finally bit me back in the ass, hard. I had established a growing online relationship with a woman on EVE, who lives about 6 hours away from me. She was the only one that knew Kiam was my alt. Issues began to develop. I just wasn't comfortable with her RPing relationships (and ERPing) with other players, who were probably guys of course. Our ERP was the only way to share the affection towards one another, and I didn't like her sharing this with others. But in the back of my mind, I made it clear that I realized these views and feelings might not be justified..."it is just RP with others, and it is only more when you and I RP".
Unlucky for me, my romantic interest ("Jane", for the sake of the story) was connected via RP to the primary person who was accusing Kiam of being my alt. I had already giving Jane a hard time about the ERP thing, and my egoistic tussles with the accuser had made its way into slowly drawing a chasm between me and Jane. From what was being provided to Kiam as "evidence" for her status as my alt, I came under the impression that Jane had told the accuser. In turn, I asked her why she did it. She denied it, and saying it was the "last straw" and that I "hurt her so much" for making that accusation, so she began to wind down in EVE, say she was going to move onto other things. It looked like we were over.
Then, in the latest tribunal, with Seriphyn, Kiam, the accuser, and the friend of Kiam I cherish, I began to see copy and pastes of a private, personal and intimate conversation between me and Jane. Jane had sent a full, uncensored chat log of a private conversation with me to the accuser, the same I have been having ego pissing contests with. Had all this pretending come around to bite me in the ass?
Had everything that people hate me for come around to return the favour? Had all the lying, the abuse of trust to this close friend of Kiam, all the shit I had given Jane over ERP enact its karma? Maybe some of you will say yes, but I'd just like to say that, from here, I never intended ANYTHING bad against any of you.
I still tried to hold onto it. Pretended that Seriphyn had been misusing Kiam's account to do whatever with Jane. I had just started talking to my friend on Kiam after a long time of silence. I still wanted that. After that massive betrayal, that humiliating embarassment, I still wanted to hold onto my friendship on Kiam. I would rather not lose both, the other being what could have been with Jane.
But at what cost? The cost of principle? Continuing a lie, being dishonest when dishonesty caused this in the first place? When someone you trusted, adored and cherished so much had betrayed your trust, I figured I could continue doing the same to someone else? I figured not, I figured it is just time to come clean.
After losing what might have been a milestone in my life, someone who was fantastically beautiful and...well you know the rest, it was enough to hold my hands up and admit defeat. Honesty at the cost of losing that friendship, but in the end, I don't think I needed it anymore. It ran its season, and I had learnt enough about myself that it was no longer required. Karma is a bitch? Maybe.
That's it, really. What does this all boil down to? Affection. I'm an affection whore. I like people, and I like them so they'll like me. It's an archetype, right? I craved it so much that I went to extreme measures to acquire and protect it. I started up a second character, assumed a new personality...if I couldn't get affection on Seriphyn, I would at least get the fulfillment that is missing from RL on this face.
As for what to do? That's my job. This episode ends with knowing what I need now. This isn't an agony wall, I'm not posting so everyone can chip in on how to help oh-so-poor Seriphyn. I know what's missing in my life from what I have searched for online, and I will pursue it in reality.
To the friend I had made with Kiam, I'm sorry for decieving and lying to you for so long.
To the accuser, I'm sorry we've disagreed, and let our egos clash.
To everyone else, I hope this reveals some transparency. You know it's time to come clean when the game fucks up your RL, at least, what could have been RL.
It's about being honest, because in the end? I'm pretty shit at being anything but.
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Topic: Coming clean, and a great apology (Read 1811 times)