Hello everyone. My name is Mark, and I have an addiction.
I am addicted to online roleplaying.
Past five or so years I've been stuck in poverty with nowhere to go and nothing to do and no hope to change it. The only reason I've tolerated the emotionally unhealthy places I've frequented such as Second Life, EVE Online, and others was because I had nothing else and nowhere else to do or go with my time. I was stuck talking to people like you (no offense), because I had no better choices. It was a coping mechanism for a failed life that constantly tested my will to keep living it. More than once, EVE Online and the people in it were part of the only immediate things keeping me from literally committing suicide because I hated myself and my life, I wanted to be Katrina. Everything flawed about my roleplay and her character is because of MY flaws, as many of you already understand. Not surprisingly, when someone likes me uses RP as an escape from an unfulfilled RL, bleedover is rampant and unavoidable. Despite the knowledge that I like most of you, that I'm okay with the rest of you... when Katrina argues and is attacked, my emotional reactions spring up because I'm trying to live in her shoes.
Tomorrow I start paid training for a new career. A $42,000 a year career, with overtime, benefits, union representation. The whole nine yards. Starting tomorrow morning, I will finally have given myself the ability and reason to enjoy my life. Starting tomorrow, I won't need to rely so heavily on EVE
Starting tomorrow, I will seriously consider taking a hopefully permanent step back from MMO addiction. Part of that may be leaving this RP community. Because, this is unhealthy in large and constant doses. This 'community', the game, the MMO addiction, my immersion in a life that isn't my own. It's burying me, because I have an addiction problem and I was trying to escape something I should have faced long ago. My own life. My real life.
I may not leave though, because when working 40-65 hours a week I won't be around much to be so sick of you all. So when I do see you, maybe it will be good times! Distance makes the heart grow fonder, etc.
For all the OOC conflict and IC conflict I've caused, I apologize. For all the issues people have had with me, I will try to work on them and improve. For all those who honestly cared about me (you know who you are), thank you so very much for your support and patience. I will try to be better, and live better, and learn to respect and love myself the way I should have so long ago. Maybe money doesn't buy happiness, but not having any sure doesn't help.
A special apology and thanks to True Slaves Foundations and Pyre Falcon Defence Combine who have unreasonably been the victim of many a conflict with me. It doesn't count for much, but at least you understand why it's been happening and that I do regret it every time it does.
Before anyone asks, no you can't have my stuff! I'm not quitting EVE. I'm just going to try being a happy adult. I'm going to try dating again, and travelling, and working until I pass out in bed at the end of a long day on the job. I'm going to save for retirement, and treat my children to important experiences. I'm going to make friends in real life that I can share an actual beer with.
... and some day soon? I'm going to try to make it to fanfest. Hopefully, when you all finally meet me, I'll be someone I can feel proud to introduce.
Wish me luck, Backstage.
