I gotta stop posting after Niki's, but I've my 0.02isk to throw in here.
I'm confused.
No seriously. Most of my sexual life, my confidence both in and out of the bedroom has led to multiple short-term partners who nearly unanimously gave me the lead both in bed and in general. I still consider myself pretty vanilla, but there was the obvious signs that most women I slept with saw me as dominant.
Only one girl, a case I kinda ignored actually until this topic came up, really opened my eyes. She was a nymph. I was lucky if I got away with having sex just once a day. I was perpetually at her demands, and, though I enjoyed it obviously, I found that the power and control was constantly being wrestled away and I found it scary. I ran away from it and still resent that today, some 7 years down the line.
But since then, I've had many other encounters with the deviance lifestyle. It's taken me a while to notice, but many of the girls I've gone out with have expressed sincere submissive behaviours in the belief I'd be their Dom. Some have even been a little masochistic in their choice of how far they'd let a partner go with them.
But I've come to a few conclusions about myself since then. I'm probably [spoiler]the closest thing to a gender-dystrophic lesbian sub[/spoiler] that most of my mates, many of which come from all forms of lifestyles, have come across. The problem isn't that I'm a lesbian who thinks I'm a guy - it's the other way round. And apart from around some of my most liberal closest friends, this has actually been the most open I've been about it.
My current girlfriend thinks its amazing, but she's the only one who believes I make a great sub. I haven't thoroughly tried lately, because she's generally more submissive in relationships. However, I've noticed she's more of a switch depending on the situation and, that this situation could be the powerswitch I need.
But my standard Dom personality stems from a deep-rooted hatred of letting things get out of control. When they do, I let myself go and anything from abject screaming matches to punching inanimate objects (hitting people is disgusting, except in self-defence) in frustration, drinking myself to oblivion and back. I'm scared when these happen as they show just how useless I am against my self-destructive self.
She thinks I might be schitzo, but madness is a whole different ballgame that may stem a little from root causes. Enough on that for now, but basically put, she understands it all. She reckons I need to explore my sub side. I'm all up for that in private, but I'm damned if I'm wearing the visual drappery that comes with it in public.
And this comes to my last point. It's Torture Garden this weekend. We've come to an established costume layout for each of us - hers being more submissive, and me the dominatrix. Yeah... that probably includes heels btw. But I've reached an impasse. Part of me is scared to go through with it and the other part feels that this layout is the wrong way round.
In short, I think she should/could be the Dom.
Wow... now should I press that "Post" button...? Here goes...
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Topic: Lifestylers, fetishists, Alts, kinksters and pervs... (Read 29794 times)