The following is based on a true story. Humor category submission for the YC120 Pod and Planet Fiction Contest. Artwork by me (featuring Rage Comics faces).
Flight Of The Ravens The newbie flying his brand new Kestrel gazed up in awe. He orbited my Raven in complete fascination. He had a raging…
excitement for what
could be.
That will be me one day.
Battleship pilot!
MISSILES!
EXPLOSIONS!The fanciful thoughts nearly came to a climax.
“So yeah, that’s how you orbit and can reduce damage against ships with big guns and slow tracking. Any questions?”
“OH...umm, no. Nope.”
“You weren’t paying attention to anything I said, did you.”
“Haha, no. Honestly, I just love your ship! I want to train for a Raven too. One for PvP and one for making big money doing Lvl 4s!
”
“Yeah, you’ll get there eventually, but don’t rush into them.”
“I used Pyfa and got some huuuge DPS numbers from a torp Raven!! I’ll be kicking ass in PvP all day long soon enough
”
I shudder at his words. “Kicking ass” and “torp Raven” in the same train of thought were my trigger phrases. Horrible, horrible memories of a dark and bloody battle creeped up on me like a fat kid creeps up on some freshly baked cookies. The newbie noticed this.
“What’s wrong senpai?”
I looked at him, eyes brimming with somber. I clutch my pearls as I speak softly, “Oh, my sweet summer child...let me tell you a story.”
The newbie sat down and listened with intent.
“The year was 2011. It was a dark and stormy night-”
“I thought you lived in Southern California?”
“Just shut up and listen.”
“Forgive me senpai. :3”
“It was a dark and stormy night. We were at war with one of the biggest and bestest Caldari FW corps - Wolfsbrigade. The war began over something stupid, as most RP nerd spawned wars do. Our PR tailored the reason as Wolfsbrigade being dishonorable pirates and privateers. But at the end of the day, we are all filthy pirates and privateers…”
“That was deep.”
“Anyway, we formed up a fleet of torp Ravens to kick some Wolfie butt. They formed a mixed fleet of Navy Geddons and Abaddons with Guardian support. We jumped around a bit trying to play with setting up range. Our Glorious Leader, John ‘Fucking’ Revenent, (Hallowed By Thy Name) made the call to engage the enemy. The battle ensued. Our target painters lit the way. Volley after volley of heavy torpedoes were launched from the majestic assembly of Ravens.”
“And you totally pwned them with the insane damage right?”
I looked at the newbie and shook my head solemnly.
“Our torps were rendered ineffective by the logi support they had. Plus, I mean, they’re torp Ravens...they weren’t applying well to the battleships to begin with.”
“IMPOSSIBRUUUUU”
“Silence! Anyway, Our Glorious Leader JFR then made the call to…” The words get stuck in my throat like. Well, nevermind. I choke, holding back tears as I struggle to utter the last words of the sentence.
“What?! Tell me senpai! I need to know what happened! What did Your Glorious Leader JFR say?!?”
“I remember the words as if they were muttered to me yesterday, spoken to me softly by the lips of the Devil himself. He said ‘Primary the Guardians’. While my comrades were being sliced down beside me left and right, I held my ground. We chucked so many torps at their Guardians but to no avail. Finally, after taking too many losses, Our Glorious Leader JFR made the call to withdraw. Before I jumped the escape gate, I looked back upon the bloody battlefield one last time, shedding one beautiful tear at the carnage wreaked upon the once mighty Torp Raven fleet. I knew, deep within me, that we would never fly Torp Ravens as a PvP fleet again.”
I look over to see the newbie crying. It is as if a lightbulb went on inside his little head. I showed him the truth. And he knew his dreams were crushed upon the telling of my fantastic and epic tale. I motioned him to come hither.
“Come, young padawan, let me wipe your tears. We shall go mine asteroids for free minerals so we can save and build up for your mighty Raven one day.”
He burst into a smile, and switched over to a Venture.
Of course, you don’t just mine for minerals and build ships “for free”, but I didn’t tell him that. I couldn’t crush two dreams in one day. That would be a story for another time.
Fin.
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Topic: Flight Of The Ravens (Read 1852 times)