Backstage - OOC Forums

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  

News:

The Blood Raider elites do not generally mix with the rest of the Sani Sabik? (The Burning Life, p. 50)

Author Topic: [Character] Zanzibar Heroshima  (Read 1433 times)

Zanzi

  • Clonejack
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9
  • PY-RE Head Diplomat
[Character] Zanzibar Heroshima
« on: 15 Jun 2013, 21:56 »

So I did a little bit of back story on Zanzi, it is written from the perspective of an officer in Caldari Navy Intelligence and as such is a little hazy on exactly how or when he defected.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WJhitd1l0sBJEfxb8cnLw6Vj6oNjQA_ZHlS_hR73AZQ/edit?usp=sharing

Googledocs file because its all prettyful there.
Logged

Ghost Hunter

  • Sansha's True Citizen ; TS-F Overseer
  • The Mods
  • Veteran
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 1374
  • True Power without limit!
Re: [Character] Zanzibar Heroshima
« Reply #1 on: 26 Jun 2013, 12:38 »

Quote
As a side note, on 105/03/30 Commander Oskari Saiyama’s younger sibling Rebecca Saiyama volunteered for the Caldari Navy and began her training.

Belongs in a foot note, rather than in the middle of the dossier. The ending is written quite well for this actually, serving as an off-hand mention.

Aside from that, the content appears sound for a report that's an overview in nature. There are some basic grammar errors, where 'state' should be capitalized as 'State', given the Caldari speakers. Picking through for those should be easy enough.
Logged
Ghost > So yes, she was Ghost's husband-
Ashar > So Ghost was a gay Caldari and she went through tranny surgery
Ghost > Wait what?
Ashar > Ghosts husband.
Ghost > No she was - Oh god damnit.

He ate all of them
We Form Moderation
For Nation

Zanzi

  • Clonejack
  • Offline Offline
  • Posts: 9
  • PY-RE Head Diplomat
Re: [Character] Zanzibar Heroshima
« Reply #2 on: 03 Jul 2013, 23:44 »

I've switched things about a bit, it should be a little better now.
Logged