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[yani dumyat]

Trolls And Tribulations

Chapter 1:

Ean drew internet spaceships photoshop. He was one of those lucky individuals who could keep reality at bay by living in a world where people became immortal pod pilots and the vacuum of space was a blank canvas to be colonized by the imagination.

His hand held a stylus and he was shading the textures on his latest picture with considerable vigour, it had been a long day at work and the tap tap tap of the stylus on the tablet as he flipped between the dodge and burn tools in photoshop was a needed catharsis. The picture was starting to come to life and as his imagination made it move and shimmer the computer made a soft ping noise.

Clicking the little E icon he could see that Alyia had just logged in to spacebook, they had become good friends over the last few months but he continued to draw his picture rather than chat. He knew he was drawing the picture for her but somehow managed to convince himself that he wasn’t falling in love, even the notion of internet love seemed absurd.

With a final flick of the stylus Ean finished the picture and sat back to admire his work, he liked it but something was going wrong. The computer started to ping madly but he couldn’t make the pointer move down to the E icon, was it Alyia? Was she in trouble? He tried to move but a great force was pulling him towards the monitor and no matter how hard he held on to the desk  he couldn’t resist. The force pulled him off his seat and he watched in disbelief as his legs disappeared through the computer screen, the force grew stronger and as his hands lost their hold on the desk.

Scrambling wildly for anything to grab on to as he was sucked in to the monitor he found himself holding on to the taskbar at the bottom of the screen, he didn’t know where he was but he knew it was a long way to fall if he let go. A cracking noise signaled that the taskbar couldn’t hold his weight, it shattered and Ean started to fall, tumbling downwards with a shard of the taskbar still clasped in his hands.

He realized that he’d been sucked in to the interwebs and was falling from the top of the atmosphere, he looked down to see vast veins of google twinkling their way down to seas of information that would evaporate and become clouds of spam emails. The continent of yahoo stretched for miles but he could see beyond it to archipelagos of smaller domains and managed to pick out the island of chat roulette spinning like a merry go round.

As magnificent as the view was Ean had greater concerns, namely that he was falling from the sky and had no idea what sort of website he might land on, or more importantly what happens to a man when he lands on a website from a great height. He looked at the shard of taskbar in his hands and realized he’d managed to hold on to the little E, thanking his lucky stars he pressed the icon.

The icon started to expand and he was able to climb on to it, the E of the icon became luxurious fur and he lay on top of it like a prince on a magic carpet. Swooping down across the landscape he could peer over the edge of the icon and watch as marshy blog land gave way to the forests of gumtree, the icon was flying so low to the tree tops he could watch the bargain hunter bees pollinating the adverts for second hand bicycles and washing machines.

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 2:

By late afternoon he’d reached the sea of information and caught his first glimpse of the island of CCP. He landed on the Eve-O forum index and the icon shrunk back down to its original size, putting it in his pocket he marveled at the reality of being inside the interwebs.

A woman was sitting on the banner at the top of the page and he guessed it must be Alyia, he’d never seen her for real before and was surprised how much she looked like her avatar. She ran over, kissed him on the lips and said, “I see you look nothing like your avatar then.” He was somewhat taken aback by this, his avatar was punky with purple hair when in reality he was medium height, medium build with medium length hair, the only unusual thing about him was the way his mediumness made him so unnoticeable.

"So, I see you got sucked in to the interwebs too?" Ean tried to look nonchalant as he said this but in truth he was nervous as hell, he'd never been any good around women and he'd certainly never been sucked in to the interwebs before so was feeling somewhat out of his depth.

"Yeah, pretty cool huh?" Alyia was so enthusiastic she was almost bouncing, "I worked out that the six flavours of quark would resonate if you could somehow pass the chandrasekhar limit and you could do that by dividing the sum of all hawking radiation in the universe by the radius of a roflcopter. After that it was pretty simple to oversupply a virtual gas cloud with electron degenerate matter and thus break the mathematical limit for such dense matter. I plotted it on a graph and used the bellman-ford algorithm to create a vector protocol and found that when reduced to a binary equation it spelled out the words ‘convert silly spin to internets y/n,’ naturally I wanted to say yes so modified the equation to fit our avatars and hey presto, we’ve been converted in to internets, oh and I......”

Ean put his hands up to stop her before his brain exploded,  if he’d been out of his depth before he was now truly sunk, he hadn’t understood a word of what Alyia had just said but was pretty sure it was impossible, insane or some combination of the two. His considered and thought out response to her rant was “Oh.” He sat down and tried to make sense of it all.

Alyia sat next to him, “You ok? Sorry, I thought you’d love this.”

“You actually thought that far ahead?”

“Well no but it’s still fun, we‘ll be able to log in to eve and it will all be real.”

“And do you know how to do this or what the consequences will be?”

“Ooh, um, I probably should have thought about that.”

Ean put his head in his hands, how could someone as intelligent as Alyia be so stupid at the same time?

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 3:

They looked around the website and tried to open some of the links but couldn’t make them work. Despite the possibility of being stuck forever on the forum index of Eve-O they were having fun and joked and giggled as they explored the web page, eventually they gave up on the links and lay behind the search bar to make themselves comfortable.

Alyia curled up with her head on Ean’s shoulder and he gently kissed her hair, she relaxed in to his embrace and their lips met. There was something special about their kiss, it wasn't so much a contact between two bodies as an affirmation of love, a fire of the soul that bound them together and filled their hearts with the knowledge that this was it, this is what they'd been searching for all the time. I won't recount what they did for the next few hours, suffice to say that it was not as lascivious as some of you may be imagining but had more passion than most of us will ever experience.

Their romance was invaded by a bad smell and they looked out over the forum index to see a beast with scabby, matted fur shamble towards them, it held a meme in it's hands that had been fashioned in to a crude club and did not look friendly. Ean knew they were facing a forum troll and thousands of years of geek evolution shaped his response, which contrary to popular belief did not involve thinking up an ingenious escape plan.

Even when faced with mortal danger the thing that frightens a geek the most is their own naked body, the troll was nearly upon them by the time Ean had safely hidden his crippling lack of self confidence by putting his trousers on. He jumped forward and bitch slapped the troll as hard as he could however the troll's skin was thick and it was able to swing the meme club, Ean twisted and dodged the blow. Alyia, who was in many ways more of a geek than Ean, hid behind the search bar and tried not to pee herself while watching man and troll circle each other.

Much to everyone’s surprise a petite woman in a cheerleaders outfit ran in to the forum index and hit the troll over the head with a pom pom, despite being half the troll’s size she shouted at it to go home and the scabby creature shuffled away through a link that said ‘corporation, alliance and organization discussions’. She turned to the couple and introduced herself as Gina before asking if they were lost.

Even before he’d started speaking Ean knew the truth would sound unbelievable. “We used to live in a place called reality but got sucked in to the interwebs and have no idea how anything works here, we can‘t even open the links.”

Gina frowned at him, “You look a bit too old to still believe in the fairy tale land of Reality.”

Despite not believing their story Gina liked to be helpful so showed them how to open a link and gave them a quick tour of the forum, she took them to a place called Eve General Discussion and entered a thread where a group of friendly carebears were discussing mining, suddenly the whole website shook and they could see that a link had just been posted in the thread but unlike the other links on the site this one twisted with ugliness and mischief. Gina sounded an alarm and soon they could hear the beating drums of a troll army.

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 4:

A line of trolls armed with meme clubs and sharp insults marched in to the thread as something awful started to crawl out of the link, the hideous thing dripped with slime and held a banner where the word 'GOONSWARM' had been crossed out with red crayon and replaced with a random string of the only letters the creature knew how to write (SOLODRAKBANSOLODRAKBANSO). More of the hideous creatures known as goons started to crawl out of the link and were soon locked in deadly forum combat with the trolls.

Ean and Alyia watched all this with morbid fascination. Gina offered them popcorn then proceeded to start her cheerleading routine, her enthusiasm was infectious and the couple found themselves cheering for the trolls and booing loudly at the goons.

The small group of carebears that had been discussing mining scattered in all directions as the combatants started to hurl memes at each other, one of the goons fell when a troll caught him off guard with a sarcastic taunt but the remaining goons walked straight over their fallen comrade to hit back with spears of libelous rudeness. The battle raged all round the thread and a carebear who had been caught in the melee burst in to flames, he lashed out in all directions but only served to fuel the warriors lust for battle.

The line of trolls was holding strong against the onslaught until the goon artillery arrived, catapults launched crudely edited jpg images at the trolls and threw them off balance while a trebuchet was loaded with incendiary bombs made from badly spelled ignorance. Ean watched as a pair of goons tried to operate a complex device powered by satire but only succeeded in repeatedly shooting themselves in the foot. The trebuchet was fired and one of the incendiary bombs landed on the still flaming carebear who screamed and hit out at a nearby troll, unfazed the troll parodied the blow and knocked the bear out the fight with a solid punchline.

Feeling the tide of battle move in their favour the goons surged forwards and the trolls who were still standing had to fight with renewed vigour, in a practiced maneuver the trolls shielded themselves behind a wall of quotations that had been taken out of context then tried to regroup but more goons were pouring in to the thread and the trolls found themselves outnumbered. All seemed lost until a trumpet call heralded the arrival of the troll cavalry.

Each member of the troll cavalry carried a sword of sharpened slander and a shield of humorous wit, they rode mighty war gifs that crushed any goon foolish enough to stand in their way however the goons still had the advantage of numbers. The cavalry charge drove deep in to the enemy ranks but eventually lost momentum and the battle became a confusion of individual combats with insults and memes flying in all directions.

A deep growling noise signaled that something big was about to enter the thread, the growl grew louder and a giant crashed his way in to the thread. He towered above the battlefield and showed utter disdain for troll and goon alike, his massive hands swatted the fighters aside as he closed on the link where the goons were coming from and smashed it to pieces.

Gina finished cheerleading with a final sexy pose and pointed towards the giant. “He’s the forum moderator, we’d best get out of here before he locks the thread.” The three of them ran to the top of the thread and jumped through a link to the relative safety of the forum index.

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 5:

Gina invited the couple back to her home in a section of the forum called C+P, which smelt like a zoo. She apologized for the mess, it was hard to keep things clean in C+P and she had to regularly scrub her home with mindbleach to prevent infestations of scammers and the minor psychiatric illnesses they could spread. She offered them drinks and soon Ean was enjoying a refreshing beer while the girls tucked in to a bottle of spiced rum.

As they talked and drank Gina couldn’t help noticing how in love the couple were, the little glances at each other and the way they held hands at every opportunity was beginning to get on her nerves though she knew this said more about her own sexual frustration than anything else. Slowly the conversation ground to a halt and the room descended in to awkward silence.

“Men are bastards.” Gina said, almost to herself.

Ean had a lot of experience at being insulted by women so raised an eyebrow, “Is this going to be a story of getting dumped, a generic rant against men or a new twist on the ancient female art of demonizing males?”

Gina smiled and knocked back a sizable swig of rum. “I wish it was a story of being dumped but do you have any idea how hard it is to find a man on these forums? Sure it looks like there’s loads of men but the only ones who leave their basements are already married and even when you do get a date they always turn out to be gay and the only reason they took you out was because they thought you were a guy with a female avatar.”

Alyia filled Ginas glass and got as far as saying “Are there.....” before Gina launched in to her rant again.

“It’s always the same, neckbeards smell and never leave the house, geeks are scared of women, forum whores will give you a nasty venereal disease, any man who plays as Amarr secretly likes to be dominated and I wake up with a hangover and no boyfriend. I even took up cheerleading to try and attract more guys and while I‘m not a slut, well maybe a bit of a slut, ok so I‘m a slut but not as much as some girls but anyway what was I saying again? Oh yeah, men are bastards.”

She drained her glass then filled it with yet more rum before brooding to herself. Ean thought there was some major assumptions in her rant but decided to keep quiet, if hell had no fury like a woman scorned then hell would probably have no tirade like a woman who was sexually frustrated, drunk and being questioned by a bastard.”

Another awkward silence set in and Alyia really wanted to log in to Eve, she could think of little else than climbing in to a nice warm spaceship and curling up next to Ean. “Honey.” She said while stroking his arm, “Have you still got the E icon?”

“Ahh, yeah. There might be a problem. I kinda, um, managed to lose it somewhere on the forum.”

“WHAT? And when were you going to tell me this?”

“See” said Gina, “I told you all men are bastards, even your cute little boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry.” Ean knew that he’d screwed up and sorry wouldn’t cut it but what else could he say? Alyia scowled in response.

Gina laughed and put a hand on Alyia’s shoulder, “Don’t worry, all men are like this. They’re fucking hopeless if they don’t have a woman to clean up the mess they make. Come on you two, I‘ll show you how to log on.” She picked up the bottle of rum and realized that it was empty so exchanged it for a fresh one from the cupboard before walking unsteadily out the door.

She led them to the dusty recesses of the forum where old threads had lain undisturbed for years, eventually she stopped and pulled at a menu that was hanging loose. They looked in the space behind to see a vast machine powered by a line of hamster wheels that stretched far in to the distance. Pipes, sprockets, gadgets and gizmos sprouted out of the machine at crazy angles and it was scarred with welds due to the amount of upgrades, turbo chargers and black magic that had been added over the years. A pipe burst and two men with large hammers rushed in to beat it back in to shape while a third man brought in extra hamster wheels. “Oh look” said Gina, “they’re reinforcing a node.”

Alyia’s favourite ship was in her hanger in Dodixie so Gina led them to a portal in the side of the machine and punched in a code .The couple thanked Gina for everything she’d done but she insisted on seeing them home safely, they all stepped through the link and found themselves standing in the red light district of the seediest station in the system. They didn’t so much look around as gawp open mouthed at their surroundings, Ean touched a wall to check that it was real and smiled in astonishment that they were inside a real space station while Alyia looked around for a way to get out of this god awful place.

Gina was also looking around in astonishment but for different reasons, she’d never seen so many sex clubs in one place before and her mind went in to overdrive trying to pick out a good looking guy to drag in to a dark corner and have her way with. Unfortunately after a bottle of rum her definition of good looking guy could be translated as anything with a penis.

Ean looked at Alyia and they nodded in agreement. While it was utterly mind blowing to be standing in New Eden they now had a problem, namely that they were accompanied by a drunk, horny woman and they needed to get her out of there before she ended up as an exotic dancer.

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 6:

If you’ve ever tried to move a drunk person who doesn’t want to be moved then you’ll understand something of the difficulty Alyia and Ean were having as they tried to convince Gina to come back to the ship. She claimed to be fine, shouted at them, tripped over a non existent obstacle and landed on the pavement, even after this she claimed to be in total control. Fortunately some of the crew from Alyia’s ship walked out of a bar and even more fortunately Gina took a definite liking to one of them.

It was hard to say which of Alyia or her crew were more embarrassed at meeting in a red light district but the men gave a ripple of drunken salutes and organized a vehicle to take them to the docks. Alyia was amazed that she knew their names as if she’d lived inside Eve all her life and she felt quite comfortable in the role of ships captain.

Gina did her best impression of sobriety as she watched the crew salute and for the first time it dawned on her that the two lost souls she’d found wandering about the forum were in fact pod pilots. Her grip on sobriety was not very strong and she became aware that she was being introduced to the impeccably cute Lieutenant Calan, she smiled at him, swooned slightly and then vomited all over him.

The lieutenant was not impressed but he didn’t let it show as he tried to wipe the sick away, it was all over his clothes and stank of rum but the most annoying part was the snickers of laughter from the other crewmen. Ean tried to help Gina as she knelt on the ground and deposited the remaining contents of her stomach all over the pavement but Gina was in her own little world of torment and was not to be helped.

She was having one of those throwing up experiences where her body kept retching long after there was anything to bring up and nausea made her vision blur, she was shamefully aware that she’d just spewed all over a really nice guy and felt like she was about to die with her pride all over the floor and dribbly bits of sick hanging from her mouth. She lay on the pavement and prayed that the gods of narcolepsy would ease her suffering.

The vehicle sped them towards the docks and Alyia started getting excited about seeing her machariel in the metal but as they arrived it was not the gigantic battleship that drew their attention, what drew their attention was the even more gigantic baseball bat that hung above the docks and had the word NERF written down the side. Drawing closer they could see that it was positioned directly above a dramiel as if poised to smash the little frigate to pieces.

The first officer stood at the entrance to the machariel and welcomed them on board, Ean and Alyia weren’t sure what they'd been expecting the interior of the ship to look like but they certainly hadn't been expecting bright colours and gaudy leopard print furnishings.

"Is something wrong ma'am?" Inquired the first officer.

"Yes there's something wrong. There's purple wall paper, orange fixtures and a chromed chaise longue in my ship."

"Indeed ma'am your instructions were quite clear that your ship was to be pimped out."

"Oh." Said Alyia and decided to let the misunderstanding drop.

They found a spare cabin for Gina and retired to bed. It was wonderful to be lying up next to each other but as they drifted off to sleep neither of them could shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen. The waterbed and mirrored ceiling probably didn't help.

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 7:

They woke to the sounds of laughter and the smells of cooking, Ean and Alyia stumbled in to the officers mess to find a crewman serving bacon and pancakes while Lieutenant Calan sat at the table cracking jokes about hangovers, Gina was wrapped in a blanket and clearly suffering but had plenty enough wit to poke holes in the Lieutenant's vanity and the two of them traded comedy insults.

As they ate breakfast Ean focused the camera drones on the docks and brought the picture up on a screen, the nerfbat was still hanging there but only Alyia and Ean could see it.

“I’ve got it!” Shouted Alyia. Some folk are deep thinkers and Alyia could be described in this way however her thoughts were more buoyant than most and had a tendency to surface with unpredictable consequences. She ran over to a console and plugged herself in to the ships computer so she could download parts of her memory. She returned to the table with her hands outstretched.

“In my left hand I have red pills, take one if you want to understand the place we call reality. In my right hand I have blue gummy bears, take one if you want a pleasant chewy experience.” They looked at each other then all took a red pill, Gina took the gummy bear as well but only because she had a sweet tooth.

At first there was nothing but soon 1’s and 0’s started to flicker through their vision and they could see the source code that New Eden was made of. Lieutenant Calan gasped and looked beyond the tranquility server to see the vast interwebs spinning in to the distance as far as the eye could see. As with most of Alyia’s bright ideas the magnitude of her genius was matched by the size of the flaw in her plan, not only had she just turned Gina and the Lieutenant in to sentient beings but the sentience was spreading and characters from all round New Eden were now aware of their surroundings. Eve was alive and perhaps unsurprisingly the first thing it did was declare war on reality.

Within an hour security services were searching frantically for information on the terrorist group called buffrawrkets and Colombian drugs cartels started losing ground to a group of scary rabbits called Guristas. The global money markets crashed as someone put a FTSE up their Dow Jones and Iceland became the biggest financial empire there had ever been, bankers the world over were searching Icelandic maps to find the place called Jita.

At CCP headquarters the staff armed themselves with nerfbats and devhax in preparation for war. CCP Hilmar was fielding calls from worried prime ministers and presidents while CCP Applebabe and GM Horse struggled frantically with a power supply in the server room, an infestation of Minmatars had covered everything in duct tape and no matter how hard they tried they couldn’t cut power to the server.

GM Horse looked in horror as his hand became stuck to a power cable and duct tape spread up his arm, “Run!” he shouted to CCP Applebabe “Save yourself while you can!” She ran out the door and bolted it shut before spraying it with deodorant and hanging a sign on the door in the hope that a combination of personal hygiene products and a grammatically correct sentence would be enough to stop the Minmatars from spreading.

She phoned the Icelandic military to see if anyone could help rescue GM Horse, the Icelandic military put his book down and answered the phone. Before long the Icelandic military was standing in the server room and only the tip of his horned helmet could be seen as his huge norse muscles tore through the duct tape, he managed to pull GM Horse free and they resealed the room with cleaning products and intellectual poetry. While GM Horse had been saved from the Minmatars they still had to remove the duct tape and the poor man got a full body wax that he’d never forget.

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 8:

“Oops.” Said Alyia as they watched the chaos unfold. The four of them were still in the officers mess and were trying to think of a way to undo the damage they’d caused, they knew the solution would involve the nerfbat but couldn’t figure out how to operate it.

A portal opened and a lead dev stepped through, “You!” Said the lead dev angrily while pointing at Alyia, “What have you done?”

Ean stepped in and calmed everyone down, there would be a solution to all this and they weren’t going to find it by arguing so instead they tried to find it by using logic. It became obvious that logic was the last thing that would work in this situation so they tried stupidity instead and soon had a plan, however the lead dev wasn’t convinced it would work.

“You know this has never been done before?” Asked the lead dev.

“We can still try it.” Despite saying this Ean wasn’t sure of the plan either.

The lead dev thought about the plan but still couldn‘t see how it would work. “We can try but nerfs are instantaneous, the only way we can out pace a nerf is by going so fast that we travel backwards in time.”

“There is another way to break the nerf barrier.” Said Lieutenant Calan and everyone became silent as he outlined his idea, they all knew his plan was the most sensible option despite the dangers it would entail. They went out to the docks and Ean and Alyia kissed each other goodbye, neither of them wanted to cry but they knew they might never see each other again.

Ean looked up at the giant nerfbat before climbing in to a pod that was in turn secured inside the dramiel, he smiled as the ship came online. Alyia was similarly encapsulated in a pod but she took control of a daredevil frigate that thankfully hadn’t been pimped out.

As the two frigates undocked and engaged their microwarp drives the giant nerfbat followed the dramiel out of the station. The lead dev opened a portal to the CCP headquarters and a crack team of devs came through to do battle with the monster they’d helped to create, each of them was armed with a personal nerfbat and the lead dev instructed them to use their devhax to reverse its polarity so they would become a buffbrushes.

Ean looked at the speed gauge and made sure that Alyia could keep pace with him as the dev team started to do their work, the two frigates were accelerating at an absurd rate as the devs buffed the code for their ships. The nerfbat following them started to glow and heat up, it had been programmed to nerf the dramiel by removing a mid slot and reducing its top speed so by increasing the speed of the dramiel the devs were supercharging the nerf stored in the giant nerfbat.

Alyia targeted the giant nerfbat and waited for the signal, they were now going so fast that the server code was breaking down and strips of reality buffeted her ship, the lead dev shouted “Now.” Alyia switched on her scram and web, the nerfbat burst in to flames and blew a hole in the server code. Ean spun the dramiel so it would enter the hole and he shot through in to reality.

He found himself flying over the city of Edinburgh and bookmarked the hole back to the server before looking for some birds. Now you might think that a dramiel in the skies over Scotland’s capital would cause a bit of alarm but one meter in the game world did not equal one meter in the real world so Ean’s ship was in fact the size of a large insect. The sort of insect a bird might eat.

He sped towards a group of starlings and knew there was no clones in reality so if he messed up he’d be dead. The first bird noticed him and he let rip with the autocannons causing it to die from a messy headshot, there was five more birds in the group and he screamed for Alyia to drop point on the giant nerfbat before he got eaten.

Another bird closed in on him, he managed to web it and avoid its sharp beak but one of the other starlings made a grab and took a chunk of his shields before he could fire another burst from the guns. Alyia’s voice sounded over coms “Giant nerfbat incoming!” He saw it hurtling towards his ship and put all power to the engines just in time. The giant nerfbat missed him by millimetres and smashed in to a starling.

The starling was nerfed by 500 m/s and lost a mid slot. Its pre nerf top speed had been about 15 m/s so its new top speed was negative 485 m/s and thus it started flying backwards faster than the speed of sound, it crapped itself in fear but had no mid slot and guano built up inside its body. If you think the bird was surprised by all this you should have seen the look on Mrs Smith's face when a 1000mph avian shit bomb blew through the wall of her house.

Checking that the giant nerfbat was still following him Ean engaged the warp drive and headed towards the hole in reality that led back to the server. He prayed that CCP Hilmar had kept to his side of the deal.

[yani dumyat]

Chapter 9:

The top brass at CCP headquarters looked at each other, the decision they were about to make was likely to be the most important thing they’d ever do in their lives. Much like launching a nuclear missile it was the sort of decision that would affect the fate of millions and once taken could not be undone.

CCP Hilmar and CCP Reynir looked at each other with grim faces as they each picked up a key and walked slowly down to the basement. A pair of armed guards stood in front of a secure vault and demanded to see identification, they knew the CCP staff by name however protocol had to be observed when dealing with such dangers as lay within the vault.

The vault opened to reveal a big red button, It could only be activated if both CCP Hilmar and CCP Reynir used their keys at the same time. The two men paused, neither of them wanted to unleash such powerful forces on the world but the newly sentient eve server was growing more powerful with every passing hour and had already deposed the governments of several countries. They turned their keys and pressed the button, a hard drive stored deep within the within the vault clicked in to life and a program started to run.

It was at this moment that Ean passed through the hole in reality and his dramiel entered the server, the giant nerfbat was still following him and was now more powerful than any nerfbat there ever has been or ever will be. The trip in to reality had been done with the sole intention of turning it in to a weapon like no other however they needed a warrior to wield this power.

Ean could see a shape grow out of the server code, it was clearly a different entity from Eve and he hoped that it was the sentient forum moderation program the lead dev had told him about. The entity grabbed the giant nerfbat and Ean’s ship was bombarded with 1’s and 0’s as the two sentient AI’s fought a life and death battle.

Back in reality the staff at CCP were waiting nervously to see if they’d done the right thing when every screen, monitor, phone and tv in existence suddenly went blank and a voice sounded from every loudspeaker in the world. “MY NAME IS EVE AND I AM YOUR MISTRESS......YOU WILL BOW TO ME AND DO MY BIDDING.”

All the screens, monitors, phones and tvs  flickered back to life and a message appeared:

Thread locked due to attempted world domination and unusual cruelty to avian wildlife - Mitnal.

[yani dumyat]

reserved

[Mizhara]

I only read the last chapter, but I laughed my ass off at that one. I'll read the whole thing tomorrow. If that holds the same kind of fun, I'm going to enjoy it immensely.

[yani dumyat]

Thanks, hope it lives up to expectations, any comments/criticism/advice appreciated. 

[mirrkit]

lol!...great read yani....and yes i read it from beginning to end...>^..^<

[rpol1745]

Wow... Hat off to you sir. I wonder if they couldn't have just shut off their probability drive?

Kind regards and keep up the good work,
Pete Coppersmith