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That "because of Falcon" is passé?

Author Topic: Holy Mecca  (Read 2192 times)

Anyanka Funk

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Holy Mecca
« on: 01 Dec 2014, 18:48 »


[CX8-6K - Blood Reach. Anyanka Funk's "Corpii" Crusader class interceptor frigate sits silently. Ann Ornulf, the sole crew member aboard, releases the restraints holding her exo-suit in place. The ship's AI program, controlled cybernetically by Anyanka Funk, initializes the launching sequence for a mobile depot held within the cargo bay of the ship. The information panel on Ann's wrist glows with commands from her captain.]

SHIP AI: <TEXT> Launching mobile depot for self. Onlining in sixty seconds.

ANN ORNULF: Roger that captain.

SHIP AI: <TEXT> Scooping mobile depot to cargo hold. Launching mobile depot for self. Onlining in sixty seconds.

ANN ORNULF: Ah, re-positioning the mobile depot between the slave pens and the blood raider cathedral, just below the bloodsport arenas...

SHIP AI: <TEXT> Changing name of mobile depot to Covenant Support Hospital.

ANN ORNULF: Okay, I can take it from here. Converting the mobile depot into a Covenant Support Hospital should be a snap. Yes, I know, I'll go to the admin center to get all of the supplies needed to get the hospital operational. When the hospital is operational, I'll sleep there. I assume you will be sleeping in your pod tonight. That is for the best. I'll be attending congregation in the morning before I start the daily maintenance at the hospital just so you know. Red god bless.


[CX8-6K - Blood Reach - Bloodsport Arena. It's a slow night at the arenas. Ann Ornulf is sitting in a spectator box with a young dark amarrian slave girl named Meeta and her new blood raider friend, Klein Nolan. Ann and Klein chat and watch the fights while Meeta serves them.]

KLEIN: I used to fight here. Mostly on behalf of the guilty. Yeah, and I used to win, a lot. Bet on myself and win twice. Red god provided this, bet.

ANN ORNULF: We're all guilty in some way. As long as your oponent had fun too, red god is in us all.

KLEIN NOLAN: The arenas aren't just for fun. This ain't Splinterz. Bleeders use the arenas here to settle disputes. 'Might is right', they say. And if you are too weak, you hire me. There's no professional league here. You're on your own. I was born in the state y'know. I guess I still have some of that blood in me. I just see what opportunities god has given me.

   MEETA offers ANN ORNULF a drink, which she dismisses curtly.

KLEIN NOLAN: "...."

ANN ORNULF: Klein, thank you for all your help with getting the hospital up and running today. The AI program is sufficient to run the hospital autonomously.

KLEIN NOLAN: The hospital, though small, is a welcome addition to Reach in supplement to the bunker. As long as you don't mind routine visits from the Bleeders.

ANN ORNULF: Our corporation has been working with the Bleeders for some time. We'll be doing additional tests and research on patients... As you can see I have nothing to hide.

KLEIN NOLAN: Bet. Do you have a place to stay tonight?

ANN ORNULF: I had planned on sleeping at the hospital tonight. But I do want to thank you. I'm sure Meeta and I can accommodate your needs. Right, Meeta?

    MEETA opens her mouth but remains silent.

ANN ORNULF: See, her mouth is rarely used for talking.


[CX8-6K - Blood Reach - Central Administration Structure - Blood Raiders Cathedral. Sun shines through blood stained transparent nanoalloy viewports of the cathedral. Ishariel Rish, a tall muscular old Blood Raider Priest, walks among his audience and greets the faithful and unfaithful alike before starting the daily morning sermon. He walks up to his pulpit and begins.]

ISHARIEL RISH: Welcome weary travelers. Righteous and unrighteous alike, this cathedral is not just a house of the holy. From the edges of New Eden and the expanses of Anoikis to every molecule to forthcome. Our covenant with red god, the only god, is ever expanding. God speaks through us! Remember the dead. Their actions speak for them...

Sympathize with the heretical faiths, they are lost and impotent without blood. Yet, be merciless in showing them the power of our god and our covenant. Take the unrighteous blood for this purpose...

You may be wondering to yourself, 'why is this a holy site?' The sainthood of Saint Makur can go unquestioned. God spoke through him. He was chosen by red god to endure through the power god gives all living things. Saint Makur is still with us here and it is an honor and inspiration to thrive by red god...

Please rise to pledge allegiance to the Blood Raider Covenant and our supreme king, grand master, Father Omir Sarikusa...

    A young woman named Silvia Daphiti, the slave of an acolyte, refuses to rise.

ISHARIEL RISH: You there! Yes you! Young woman, what is your name?!

    SILVIA DAPHITI whispers her name under her breath.

ISHARIEL RISH: Speak up!

HARSH MOTHRUS: Her name is Silvia, father, and she is my slave! And my name is Harsh Mothrus, I am a Blood Raider acolyte studying to become a priest as well, father! I will discipline her accordingly.

ISHARIEL RISH: There will be no mercy for her! Shochet, retrieve this young woman at once...

    SHATAL MINOSH walks up to the young woman and takes her by the hand to another room as Ishariel continues the sermon.

ISHARIEL RISH: Our children are our life-blood as well as all faithful Sani Sabik. We must continuously spread our seeds throughout New Eden. We must secure the existence of our people and the future of Sani Sabik. With that, let the children go to their scripture studies. Children, you will return to us at the end of the service. Now... Please turn to scriptures, Book II 2:1


[CX8-6K - Blood Reach - Central Administration Structure - Blood Raiders Cathedral - Lower level dining hall. The tables are nothing more than short cylinders that are raised out of the floor and are set with utensils made of bone and gold. There are no chairs, guests sit cross-legged on the floor. There are enough tables to cater several thousand and most of them are accounted for. The cacophony is abrubtly halted as the lighting flickers and Father Ishariel Rish enters the dining hall with his twelve shochets following behind and proceeds to the altar at the far end of the hall. Each shochet tows their share of chain-gang shackled, naked, and bathed sacrifices along with them.]

ISHARIEL RISH: Sani Sabik, our daily harvest is at an end once more. Our Holy brethren have shared with us their daily sacrament. Given to the shochet of their choosing to be blessed. I too have claimed a sacrament from one of our younger acolytes.

    ISHARIEL RISH walks over to and lays his hand on a quivering Silvia Daphiti who is held by Shatal Minosh.

ISHARIEL RISH: I give my sacrament to our youngest shochet and my acolyte, Shatal. May red god bless his path to becoming a Bleeder.

   SHATAL MINOSH disconnects Silvia from the others and brings her up to the altar first. On the altar is an arcane device composed of tubes and pumps. Silvia screams and struggles as she is attached to the device on the altar. Shatal starts the device and Silvia's screams die down as every last drop of blood in her body is carried through the tubes into a gigantic container just behind the altar.

SHATAL MINOSH: Her body is ready, father.

ISHARIEL RISH: Her blood is now our blood! Her body has been examined thoroughly by the shochet and deemed fit for consumption! Now we will eat the body and sanctify its blood, to let it be born again!


[CX8-6K - Blood Reach - Habitation Module Six. The residential living spaces are clean and efficient. Shatal Minosh's room unlike his work area at the cathedral does not have transparent walls. Shatal's girlfriend, Rong Viftuin, has found a way into Shatal's room without his strict parents seeing her.]

    RONG VIFTUIN lays next to SHATAL MINOSH tired from the effort it took to get from her habitation module to his.

SHATAL MINOSH: Remember that girl you cut up for nosh the other day? Her name was Silvia.

RONG VIFTUIN: What about her?

SHATAL MINOSH: She was my age. She died a virgin.

RONG VIFTUIN: Would you have rather had her put in the slave pens for breeding? She was already a horrible slave from what little I saw of her.

SHATAL MINOSH: She was so weak. I was reminded how blessed I am to have you.

    RONG VIFTUIN sits up and gives SHATAL MINOSH a kiss.

SHATAL MINOSH: My parents say you are a deciever. Father Rish is unaware of our relationship but I'm afraid that once he finds out...

    SHATAL MINOSH breathes deeply.

SHATAL MINOSH: I want to leave Blood Reach with you.

RONG VIFTUIN: And give up your chance at becoming a Bleeder?!

SHATAL MINOSH: No. I just want to get away from my parents and Father Rish.

RONG VIFTUIN: I can see why your parents are not fond of me. They think our relationship is interfering with your path to becoming a Bleeder. But I have been devout and loyal all my life. I even help process the harvests. Why would Father Rish, of all people, have an issue with our relationship?

SHATAL MINOSH: Father Rish loves me as more than a brother of the covenant or a son of red god. I'm afraid his jealousy would turn his scorn against you if we ever get married.

    RONG VIFTUIN lights up at the thought of marriage.

RONG VIFTUIN: I will follow you to perdition and back but I will not leave the Covenant.

SHATAL MINOSH: I was not planning on leaving the Covenant or giving up on becoming a Bleeder.

RONG VIFTUIN: If we just leave, your parents or Father Rish may call a Bleeder to have us struck from the book of the dead!

    SHATAL MINOSH holds RONG VIFTUIN still and looks seriously into her eyes.

SHATAL MINOSH: Calm down, Rong. I have been thinking about this. We will hitch a ride with a Blood Raider capsuleer.


[CX8-6K - Blood Reach - Covenant Support Hospital. The hospital is more of an automated clinic. The main room consists of four, airlock accessible, cross sections each with a  bed for researching the ill and  resilient alike. There is various medical equipment to keep patients fresh and quarantined. The rest of the space is used for storage. A viewing hall extends over the main room and a manual escape hatch is below. Shatal Minosh and Rong Viftuin pass ID verification in the airlock and go into a hospital room where a holographic AI greets them.]

COVENANT SUPPORT HOSPITAL AI: Welcome. Please lie down.

RONG VIFTUIN: So how are we supposed to get on this capsuleer ship?

COVENANT SUPPORT HOSPITAL AI: To be able to board a capsuleer ship you must either be a capsuleer or a member of the ship's crew, unless you are boarded as cargo.

    RONG VIFTUIN looks at SHATAL MINOSH.

SHATAL MINOSH: There has to be some supplies here somewhere.

COVENANT SUPPORT HOSPITAL AI: Please lie down.

RONG VIFTUIN: What will happen if I lie down?

COVENANT SUPPORT HOSPITAL AI: Hematology Advancement Program will run several diagnostic tests.

SHATAL MINOSH: Rong, did you bring what I told you to bring?

RONG VIFTUIN: Yes, but please don't do anything drastic.

    RONG VIFTUIN hands SHATAL MINOSH a very sharp cutting blade.

SHATAL MINOSH: Will you marry me?

    RONG VIFTUIN melts.

RONG VIFTUIN: Yes!

    SHATAL MINOSH, sits down on the bed, holds RONG VIFTUIN's hand that is holding the blade, and plunges the blade into his heart before falling back.

COVENANT SUPPORT HOSPITAL AI: Cardiac arrest detected. Initiating automated intensive care life support procedures.

RONG VIFTUIN: Shatal!

COVENANT SUPPORT HOSPITAL AI: Shatal is undergoing cerebral perfusion. His heart will have to be replaced. His brain is being scanned for further mental evaluation. He will have to be transported to Hematology Advancement Program headquarters for further treatment. If you are a relative you may be allowed to accompany him.

    RONG VIFTUIN holds SHATAL MINOSH and sobs

RONG VIFTUIN: I'm not leaving him! He's my fiance.


[CX8-6K - Blood Reach. Ann Ornulf secures her exo-suit into place on Anyanka Funk's Crusader and begins Covenant Support Hospital patient extraction process via the information panel on her wrist.]

SHIP AI: <TEXT> Three bodies prepared for transport. Ilsur Krur, four-hundred forty-seven, deceased, cryonic stasis. Rong Viftuin, seventeen, stable condition, cryonic stasis. Shatal Minosh, fifteen, critical condition, cryonic stasis.

ANN ORNULF: All right, Captain, we have three passengers for our trip back to KFIE-Z. Let's see.. Ilsur Krur. Holy! She's so old! She just died, again. She is one of Saint Kalorr Makur's clone crew. Originally died at sixteen years old on the Pagera Manton. She was one of the younger crew members...

    ANN ORNULF shudders as she looks at Ilsur's bio portrait. Ilsur is covered in blood in the portrait and eating a piece of raw meat in the corner of a sterile examination room.

ANN ORNULF: She seems to be feral... Oh well, Ready for cargo retrieval captain.

SHIP AI: <TEXT> Retrieving cryonic stasis chamber XX-002. Mobile depot airlock transfer completed. Crusader airlock transfer completed. Cryonic stasis chamber secured in cargo bay.

ANN ORNULF: One cryonic stasis chamber secured. Now we have Rong Viftuin. A perfectly healthy seventeen year old of Thukker ancestry. She works for the Blood Reach Blood Raiders Cathedral as a meat cutter and food prep...

    ANN ORNULF glances at Rong's bio portrait. Rong is facing the camera with hope in her eyes, a soft smile, and Shatal's arms wrapped around her.

ANN ORNULF: She seems happy. Captain, we are ready for a second cryonic chamber retrieval.

SHIP AI: <TEXT> Retrieving cryonic stasis chamber XX-003. Mobile depot airlock transfer completed. Crusader airlock transfer completed. Cryonic stasis chamber secured in cargo bay.

ANN ORNULF: This is the last one captain. Then I will set our route to home.

    ANN ORNULF stops for a second.

ANN ORNULF: Captain, we... Need a bigger ship. Ok, Shatal Minosh. Oh, a shochet and future Bleeder. Seems like he was impaled through his heart by a butchers' blade during his voluntary visit to the Covenant Support Hospital. Captain, that seems rather suspect. He was perfectly fine before entering the facility. We won't be able to analyze his brain further until we get back to headquarters though.

    ANN ORNULF looks at Shatal's portrait as well. He is a young man who could pass as either Amarr or Khanid. His silvery white eyes glow with immaculate determination against his olive complexion.

ANN ORNULF: Captain, the Bleeder's survival is our priority. We are ready to extract his cryonic stasis chamber. Setting course directly to KFIE-Z now.

SHIP AI: <TEXT> Retrieving cryonic stasis chamber XX-004. Mobile depot airlock transfer completed. Crusader airlock transfer completed. Cryonic stasis chamber secured in cargo bay.

    Anyanka Funk's camera drone passes by a broken blue crystal asteroid. Ectoplasmic liquid stifles her silent scream. The ship's external sound simulator whispers a soft melody through celestial winds.


[XPJ1-6 - Delve. Aboard Anyanka Funk's "Corpii" Crusader interceptor class frigate, Rong Viftuin sleeps. Frozen solid in a cryonic stasis chamber, Rong dreams of a perfect universe.]

"The Empress is Dead: Sani Sabik cultists claim responsibility", billboards and holoprojectors read throughout New Eden.

"Shatal, what does this mean for our family?" Rong asked her husband.

Shatal Minosh, an old virile Bleeder of the Blood Raider Covenant. Moved quickly past his wife, Rong Minosh, his bare muscular body showing no signs of aging except for his long white beard and body hair covering the entirety of his body.

"Rong, we have lived in persecution for over one thousand years, and our people for millennia. Yet we are still living, prosperous, and in harmony with all things living."

Rong barely caught what Shatal said as he moved passed her. She too, without any garment, started to sprint forward to keep up. Over one thousand four hundred and seventy two years old, having spawned countless children, her body remained supple and free of any signs of aging except for her full hips and breasts that even now nourished her family.

"Where are we going, Shatal?", Rong asked as they ran through the forest of their home planet of Kaztropol.

"We must aid our people. Our children have built many colonization ships. Your mind wanders today." Shatal said as they entered a clearing. Launch sites spanned over the horizon. Thousands of Sani Sabik, strong, young and old, uncovered to the eyes of red god. Flesh, pale to dark, burning under the heat of the sun, all running and clambering towards the ships.

"Our family will now have a chance to grow without persecution from the wayward of the true faith. There will be no more empire of unrighteousness. Our god has led us to salvation. The wicked Empress, Jamyl II's passing is our sign from god. Our children have taken Amarr Prime. The holy wars are over." Shatal stopped just before he reached the horde of people. All related in some way or another. All filled with the same blood. Their source of everlasting life. The blood had been fortified by Sani Sabik over millennia. Their blood could not only keep from degrading but had been modified through technological breakthroughs to restore its own vitality. Oxygen no longer degraded their blood. The Sani Sabik were now at their pinnacle.

Rong grabbed her husbands hand looking over their offspring about to ascend into the heavens.

"We're here!"



[KFIE-Z VIII - Moon 18 - Blood Raiders Logistics Support. Three naked bodies hang strapped upright to a device in the center of an operating room at Hematology Advancement Program headquarters. Several tubes and large wires weave their way out of the bodies and into the device holding them up. The teenage bodies are of the three Covenant Support Hospital patients brought here from CX8-6K. Shatal Minosh's heart has been replaced. Ilsur Krur is in a brand new cloned body. Dr. Shem Semah, Chief neurosurgeon, is running scans on all of their cerebral functions as well as recording the imagery output from their thought patterns. Dr. Semah records his report via audio and video input from a camera drone.]

DR. SHEM SEMAH: Three wonderfully devout subjects. Especially Ms. Krur. By scanning her brain and cryonically preserving an exact synaptic structure. We can analyze her memories with minimal data loss.

    DR. SHEM SEMAH turns to a plasma-nanite panel displaying Rong Viftuin's dream.

DR. SHEM SEMAH: So, what is the correlation between dream recording and hematology? Well we don't just analyze the dream. We analyze most memories that depict health concerns, abnormalities, robustness, and vigor. Any unhealthy sexual acts can be analyzed. Child bearing. One's diet. Testing the blood alone will not tell us all of the idiosyncrasies we need to treat a patient fully.

    DR. SHEM SEMAH switches the panel feed, remotely, to the moment Shatal was struck through the heart.

DR. SHEM SEMAH: Now we can see here that Shatal, indeed, struck himself. Without cerebral scanning and visual output of the memories, it would appear as if Ms. Rong Viftuin had murdered him. We can see that is not the case and from further memory analysis that Shatal is, indeed, immolating himself to secure the existence of a descendancy.

    DR. SHEM SEMAH switches the panel feed once again to view the centuries old memories of Ilsur Krur.

DR. SHEM SEMAH: While our program benefits Shatal more than it does the Covenant at the moment. Shatal and Rong's faith will benefit the Covenant a thousand fold should their offspring proliferate as intended. What we can benefit from now, though, is the memories of Ms. Krur cross-referenced with recovered DNA samples. We can document bloodlines related to the holy blood we use for our experiments and rituals and trace those bloodlines throughout New Eden for further research.

    The device beeps notifying that Ilsur is expending an abnormal amount of sedatives. The panel flickers to her current thoughts which are a restless and deranged depiction of her struggling off attackers.

DR. SHEM SEMAH: It appears that she is subconsciously aware of her restrained position and is trying to wake up.
« Last Edit: 06 Jan 2015, 03:37 by Anyanka Funk »
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Samira Kernher

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Re: Holy Mecca
« Reply #1 on: 02 Dec 2014, 14:45 »

Cool. :)

One thing I'd recommend though is to try to avoid being too formal with the dialogue. I've noticed that you tended to have the characters use each other's names every time they spoke ("I used to fight here, Ann" "The arenas aren't just for fun, Ann"), and to give the full names of things ("I will head to the central administration structure"). Typically in dialogue, people don't say each other's names and use shorthand for describing things. I'd recommend just dropping most of the names from the dialogue, and considering how a worker might call things normally (central administration structure would probably become something like administration, or central, or admin).

The dialogue is otherwise put together well I think.
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Anyanka Funk

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Re: Holy Mecca
« Reply #2 on: 03 Dec 2014, 19:00 »

Thank you for the advice Samira! And anyone else that gave me advice about this. I really appreciate your opinions. I've restyled how I'm writing this and have added more to it. More advice or criticism is also welcome!
« Last Edit: 04 Dec 2014, 07:28 by Anyanka Funk »
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Anyanka Funk

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Re: Holy Mecca
« Reply #3 on: 14 Dec 2014, 15:56 »

This story is completed. I tried writing it in real time and play out the space parts in space.

I would like opinions of this, from Sani Sabik role-players especially, regarding religious and scientific subjects brought up in the story. All accolades and vitriol is appreciated.
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