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Author Topic: [Story] The Return Home  (Read 1450 times)

Graanvlokkie

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[Story] The Return Home
« on: 21 Aug 2010, 16:03 »

The goal was to write a story in less than 1000 words that would detail my charters description, origin, motivation, what he has done so far as a capsuleer in a very brief story.
 
______________________

“Coming home when I see the
Runway lights
In the misty dawn the night
Is fading fast
Coming home far away
As the vapour trails alight
Where I've been tonight
You know I will not stay”



The room was dark.

Havir could barely make out the outline of the figure walking into though the door. The figure was average height for a detis male, but of slighter build, and could have passed as any employee in the hallways were it not for the flight suit protruding from the long jacket which ended just below the figures knees.

The figure approached Havir's desk and stood patiently behind it, waiting for an invitation to be seated. Havir extended his arm in a friendly gesture to signal that the figure could be seated. Only once his arm was fully extended Havir noticed that it was trembling nervously. The figure attempted to not make it obvious that he had seen the nervousness in the gesture, not wanting to make Havir feel more uncomfortable than he already was, and took a seat.

The figure was pale.

"Atr..." He paused, knowing that this was not the name that the figure called himself since becoming a capsuleer. "Graanvlokkie” he continued, “how good it is to see you after, more than a year?"

Only then did it dawn on Havir that he hadn’t seen his brother in well over one year. The slight pause between sentences seemed like an eternity. "But, I don’t mean to keep you with this idle chat. I received your communication, but I don’t know whether I will be able to help you acquire what you want."

Graanvlokkie cleared his throat, finally speaking. “Unable or unwilling?”

Havir was shaken by the sound of the figures voice, not expecting it to sound so familiar. “You must understand” Havir continued, “I an not a slave trader. In case you forgot that is still a crime here in the state.”

“Living in the Tash Murkon Region, Khanid Kingdom and Providence over the last year I have become, acquaintances, of many slavers. No, if I wanted a commodity I wouldn’t have come to you."

In one year of being a capsuleer Graanvlokkie had indeed seen his fair share of New Eden, although the majority of his time was now spent in wormhole space.

"Of course" Havir said bringing a false smile to his lips, "I’ve followed your corporation since it was founded. From a small hybrid weapon technology firm operating in the State too..." He didn’t know how to finish the sentence. Havir had followed the attacks launched by Sansha's Nation on the State and could not believe that his brother was now one of these mindless Nation toasters, openly associating himself with those who call themselves Citizen’s of the Nation.

He couldn’t believe it. Graanvlokkie was always loyal and patriotic.  Graanvlokkie had always dreamed of becoming a capsuleer so he could join the militia and aid in the States war against the Federation.

"No, I'm not who you think I am" Graanvlokkie replied. "I have spent time in Stain, but my mind has not been torn apart by implants. The State will always be my home."

"So you are not..."

"Havir, I am the same man today as I was when I left home. Everything I do I do willingly. The State is my home, and that is still the principle that guides me."

"So then, why do you want this man? I know what you want to do to him!” Havir raised his voice for the first time now, shaking now, not out of fear, but out of anger.

"You couldn't be more wrong Havir. The guiding principles of the State are no different to the principles on which the Nation was founded. With total loss of individuality a group of individuals turns into a mob, a state which would be uncontrollable. Individuality is important, but imagine the ability to remove traits from an individual that doesn’t benefit society."

"Removing traits? Graanvlokkie?” Havir paused, not knowing what his brother could possibly have meant by what he had just said.

"Can we move onto business?” Graanvlokkie interrupted, “My time here is short as the wormhole leading to this constellation is unstable."

"Of course. I have made the necessary arrangements. The man will not be missed. The records will show that he died in the prison infirmary".

"Excellent. Make sure that this man is loaded onto my transport".

The figure turned around and walked out of the room.

A tear rolled down the mans face.
« Last Edit: 14 Jun 2012, 00:53 by Graanvlokkie »
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Silver Night

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Re: [Story] The Return Home
« Reply #1 on: 22 Aug 2010, 00:24 »

I'm not a professional writer or anything, but if you want any sort of critique on style, I could take a crack at it.

As far as content, seems like you do a fairly good job of conveying what you wanted to about your character without like, bald exposition. Putting the dialog in and stuff. It's something I'm working on doing more fluidly myself.

Graanvlokkie

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Re: [Story] The Return Home
« Reply #2 on: 09 Sep 2010, 14:11 »

Story edited and updated.

The end felt a bit rushed, most probably because I rushed it, so I expanded it a bit while still being within my allocated word count.

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