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EVE-Online RP Discussion and Resources => EVE Fiction + Fiction discussion => Topic started by: Ayallah on 07 Sep 2015, 12:34

Title: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Ayallah on 07 Sep 2015, 12:34
I am going to start posting excerpts from the story I am writing, bits and pieces.  Its getting really long now and these will serve as a bit of a teaser and a sample of my writing style.  Feedback is always appreciated and I look forward to posing the full story when it is finished.  I am intentionally keeping these sections brief and shallow. Enjoy.

“Kameiras, today you go to god.”

   His gloves were tucked into his belt, his eyes a murky grey.  Age had not reduced the sharpness of his gaze even if had slowed him.   From the collar of his dark wool uniform gold flashed in the deck lights, the symbol of Amarr on his left over his heart, the symbol of the Navy on his right.

   “You will die tonight, secure yourselves an eternity of reward.  Have courage Kameiras, for just this one night.”

   Age had not reduced the sharpness of his words.  The line of Kameiras in front of him, his Kameiras, was a anomaly in the bright deck. The other soldiers of the Imperium in sharp uniform and carrying polished rifles moved in straight drill lines.  Their shoulders emblazoned with the sigils of their respective lords, the emblems of their station and decoration and rank. 

   When Ombtr was a younger man he had thought the glorious rows of soldiers in uniform represented the might of the Empire.  He remembered seeing them on parade, gold silver and brass polished and flashing in the sun.

   No.  The eight dark faces in front of him were the might of the Empire.  Their dark skin, shaggy and dirty looking uniforms made them look like dirty homeless in the middle of a ballroom.   The mesh hoods over their heads made them look like some monster who had climbed from a river in a story. 

   The weapons in their hands did not gleam with polish, they were dark metal and abused.  Chipped furniture, small changes to what was Imperial standard, every one would fail inspection.  No, the soldiers marching to song were men who would walk through the countryside after firepower had reduced all but the remnants of their enemies to ash.  They were men and women who would stay at the extreme range of scorch, salute officers and persecute war like a game of holders and bishops.  Their faces were clean, their boots polished and their manner precise.

   In front of Ombtr were the killers.  They made no sound and their expressions were hard as they stood in front of him.   They did not move a muscle and did not look around the massive bay of the ship, no they all looked him in the eye.

   He tilted his head toward the dropship behind him and they all quietly filed on board.  No called names or precise order, no priest on the ramp to greet them and give them blessings.  The bay echoed as in unison, the soldiers of the Imperium shouted in glory to the Empire and began boarding in formation and ritual order their gold armored dropships.  All competing for who could shout the name of their unit the most brightly, who could board the quickest and with the best drill.

   Ombtr walked up the ramp of the dropship. Its skin a dark deep blue stripped of armor and scorched from repeated re-entry it looked a dark and ragged intruder to its gleaming fellows.  He pulled the handle to the right and the doors behind him rose with a hydraulic whine, closing with a  hiss and pressure in his ears.

   He walked forward.  The Kameiras were silent in their seats, the troop bay mostly empty.  The engines began to rise in pitch and Ombtr entered the nose where the pilot turned her faceless helmet toward him and nodded as he strapped himself into the seat behind her.

   High above the atmosphere, the dark drop ship began to shake as the four massive engines tilted slightly forward and it lifted smoothly, drifting across the deck.  Commanders in gleaming uniforms of white and gold and flashes of house color over their shoulder all turned in unison. Their feet snapped on the deck even as the whole bay began to roar with the sounds of many engines, an overwhelming tone that rose and rose in pitch.

   In the glass room at the end of the bay, the deck commander saluted the waiting commanders and in unison again they turned and walked up the ramps to their troops, the ritual complete with an efficiency that earned the unit a remark of respect from the deck commander to his second.

   A minute later the ensign beside him nodded that all craft reported green and he gave him the nod to open the doors.  Even through the thick transparent material the overwhelming noise of all the dropships engines vibrated the air.  The whole ship shook as a moment later the doors opened and what remained of the air in the hangar was sucked out.  Then it was still and silent, the sounds only those of the few people in the room, the stars visible through the maw of the doors as they silently fold open.

   The dropships, still tethered to the deck outside sent vibrations through the plating, bright blue flame in the engines as the deck lights shut off leaving the bay in darkness.   Bobbing a meter off the deck, kept level only by the skill of the pilot as the air screamed out into space, the dark skinned drop ship pulled far forward of the others.

   The deck commander picked up the handset to inform the bridge that his deck was prepared for deployment window, three minutes early he thought to himself proudly.

   The dark dropship slipped silently out of the bay, bright blue flame becoming specks in the distance and then disappearing.  Alone in the dark, the might of the Empire fell toward the planet below.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Stutzer on 07 Sep 2015, 12:42
I dig the imagery. Immersive. There's a sort of 'clipped' narrative style that I enjoy. Look forward to more.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Jennifer Starfall on 07 Sep 2015, 15:39
Nice use of contrasts.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Kador Ouryon on 07 Sep 2015, 22:50
Really like this. I am looking forwards to how you portray the Kameira's with interest.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Ayallah on 11 Sep 2015, 10:45

A seam appeared in the far wall as wide as the walkway and four meters deep.  So smooth was the mechanism that drew apart these massive blocks of metal that no vibration could be felt through the walkway.   In his mind he knew the warship-grade material weighed thousands of tons and the effect was surreal.

The room beyond robbed all sound from the air, his footsteps were vibrations felt through his legs and his own breath seemed to echo in his head.  It made the distant walls seem oppressive, the thick metal of the shell and weight of the mountain above seemed all too close now.   Shahid grabbed his upper arm in earnest, as if fearing to fall though the walkway was coated in a rough material that provided plenty of traction.  The drop was not even a meter from the walkway to the sea of shaped foam below them but he sympathized with the old man even as his grip pulled at the seams of his tailored uniform. 

The air gap passage was unnerving, the lack of sound somehow suffocating.   Heavy dark insulation covered many panels jutting toward them like frozen grey waves from the walls, ceiling and floor beneath the bridge.  He could feel the electric charge in the air from the signal distorters and electronic warfare that protected the facility as they crossed through the gap between the shell and main operations. 

Ombtr walked the old man carefully across the fifty meter bridge, its narrow platform  had no railings, a flat stripe through the center of the room.  Ombtr always thought it was like a ray of light shining through clouds made of sound dampening spikes and sensor deflecting materials.   By the time they were a third of the way across the door behind them had silently slid shut and a narrow hatch had opened ahead of them.

Soldiers in dark grey Imperial Navy uniforms carrying compact pulse laser weapons were there to greet them.  The hatch, designed to be a defendable chokepoint looked like the jaws of some monster.  Its metal teeth designed to interlock and provide cover for soldiers inside to fire from when open.

Ombtr heard the old man inhale sharply once they reached the portal.  He felt Shahid’s discomfort and eagerness to escape the prison of the air gap room too, it was never a pleasant experience.  He held no expression on his face however as he stood at the threshold of the command center facing outward and across the bridge.   He ordered the men to set up guard outside the main door, had a nearby soldier summon his superior officer, before finally allowing himself to step up into the open hatch and the welcome sound of the air recyclers.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Arrendis on 18 Sep 2015, 06:39
Overall, good stuff. One thought, though:

In the first excerpt, you repeat 'Age had not reduced the sharpness of' - a single repetition reads as overuse. A second establishes that you're using it as a pattern, especially if you work in slight variations for emphasis (ie: 'Age had not...' 'Age did not...' 'Age could not...'). Without establishing that as an intentional pattern you're repeating, it's stronger to make the second one 'Nor had age reduced...' or 'Age had not reduced the sharpness of his words, either' in order to draw the intentional connection, rather than make it read like you just got over-fond of a turn of phrase (which I know I've done many, many times).

But in general? Good stuff, looking forward to more.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Havohej on 22 Sep 2015, 16:01
I look forward to seeing the full story when it's ready.  It's good stuff.

No bullshit, the line that closed the first excerpt: "Alone in the dark, the might of the Empire fell toward the planet below."

to me is on par with the opening and closing line of The Dark Tower by Stephen King: "The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed."

It's a hell of an image to conjure.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Kador Ouryon on 22 Sep 2015, 17:22
I look forward to seeing the full story when it's ready.  It's good stuff.

No bullshit, the line that closed the first excerpt: "Alone in the dark, the might of the Empire fell toward the planet below."

to me is on par with the opening and closing line of The Dark Tower by Stephen King: "The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed."

It's a hell of an image to conjure.

You!!!.... Dammit I stopped reading that at the point where Stephen King asked me not to continue. I never knew that!
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: Ayallah on 26 Oct 2015, 22:04
The engines vibrate the frame. Inside, The Kameira feels the tickling in its stomach, that feeling of falling brought on by the microgravity.  It is strapped in tightly, across its chest and waist, a buckle centered on the heavy ceramic plate covering its sternum.  Its legs are tense against the floor, pushing down to keep them from floating.

   It hates space.  Its eyes are closed, listening to the pulsing thrum of the engines and the breathing of the other Kameiras around it.  Straining senses for that change in pitch and timbre so hard it almost forgets what it was listening for.  Then the Kamiera hears it, the tone becomes sharper, just a bit.  Then more.

   The dropship jumps and the seats and equipment attached to the inner frame rattle.  The Kameira bites down on the mouthguard between its teeth and suddenly the ship is pulled sideways.  Gravity returns as g-forces and everything drags forward to the nose.  The straps that hold the Kameira in place might snap, it gets heavier and heavier. The Kameira is strapped to the ceiling on its back, looking down a ten meter tunnel to the pilot’s airlock.

   The sharp whine of the engines richen with bass.  Increases and increases until tThe Kameira feels it in its chest and on its cheeks.  The ship shakes and bucks, creaking like it is tearing apart.  On the walls a roar builds, a river is crashing against the armored skin of the dropship. 

   The Kameira looks down the ten meter drop, the skin of the ship seems as thin as a leaf.  The cacophony of engines and air sounds like the ship is being buried under a landslide.  Suddenly, in the barely quarter centimeter of slack there is in the straps, the Kameira is slammed back against its pack and the seat.

   The shaking and noise is deafening, The Kameira knows it can not shout loud enough to be heard.  It knows the ship is on the verge of breaking and The Kameira resigns itself to god.

   The g-forces are building again, pushing on The Kameira’s chest and legs and face.  It feels like more and more rock being stacked on its chest. Its vision tunnels and the Kameira flexes every muscle in its legs, pushing the balls of its feet into the deck, clenching its buttocks.   Just as it was told to it fights to stay conscious.  As The Kameira blinks the pressure lessens, its vision becomes clear again. 

   Gravity pulls The Kameira down into its seat.  Beside the pilots airlock, a yellow light turns on.

   The Kameira pulls at the clasp on its chest and the straps snap away, the heavy clasp swings and hits it in the knee but it ignores the dull pain.  The Kameira reaches out, to the rack in front of it, attached to the back of the next seat. 

   The Kameira pulls hard on the metal bar mechanism, un-oiled and machined close it bends very slightly in The Kameira’s hands.  It pops with a almost sweet ringing note of metal, the mechanism is open.

   The Kameira grabs its weapon, lifting it out the claws that held it.
Title: Re: KAMEIRA (excerpts)
Post by: The Scythian on 01 Nov 2015, 10:54

This is an interesting topic and there is not a lot of literature about it. I like the imagery.. austere, hard, and soldierly.

However, I noticed you take a lot of time describing the factual way things are.. what is happening, the sounds, the sights, and so on, i.e. "the facts".. but you almost never go into mood.

I think if you are trying to get inside the head of a Kameira, "the facts" should be attempted to be described from that perspective as well.. and tell us something about the Kameira's headspace.