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Author Topic: Joke time!  (Read 5179 times)

Shintoko Akahoshi

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Joke time!
« on: 10 Feb 2011, 14:06 »

I was looking for some stuff to put in my blatantly-ripped-off-from-Kyoko bio graphic, and I happened upon some Eve jokes. Let's see what y'all've got. I'll start:

How many Minmatar does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None, darkness is symbolic of the struggle for their people.

How many Amarrans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One, if he owns a whip.

How many Caldari does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. Caldari do not screw, they are grown in factories.

How many Gallente does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Just one, to hold up the light bulb, while the rest of the world revolves around them.

DosTuMai

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #1 on: 10 Feb 2011, 14:33 »

A young Caldari woman was walking through a station, pondering something she'd heard of recently. She stopped as she saw an Intaki leaning against a wall of a bar, smoking a cigarette. "Excuse me," she said to the man, "but could you tell me what a double entendre is?"
He smiled and dropped the cigarette, stamping it out, "sure," he replied, "come inside and I'll give you one."
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Kyoko Sakoda

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #2 on: 10 Feb 2011, 23:24 »

A Gallentean ship undocks from a station.

(You can replace "Gallentean" with whatever is not FOTM at the time.)
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Esna Pitoojee

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #3 on: 10 Feb 2011, 23:50 »

An Amarr, a Caldari, a Gallente and a Minmatar come upon a metal I-Beam sitting in the desert.

The Amarr goes, "Oh, thank the Lord! Something for me to tie my slave to so I can look away without them running away!

The Caldari goes, "Hrm. If I could sell that, would it outweigh the cost of hiring someone to dig it out of the ground?"

The Gallente stares in silent consideration of the striking aesthetic ideals portrayed in this stark, unadorned piece of art.

The Minmatar goes "Oooh! Spare ammo!'
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I like the implications of Gallentians being punched in the face by walking up to a Minmatar as they so freely use another person's culture as a fad.

DosTuMai

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Senn Typhos

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #5 on: 11 Feb 2011, 18:32 »

A Gallentean pilot, a Matari pilot, and a Caldari pilot have engaged in terrible combat in a low-security system. They are suddenly ambushed by a huge local force of Amarrian militia, and being non-eggers have no choice but to surrender and be taken prisoner. The overseer of the fleet has them chained to a wall, and states his intent:

"Because you disrespected my home system, but killed no one, I will set you all free. However, you must endure 100 lashes of a whip before I do. Still, I am an honorable man, and I will allow you to select one item to tie to your back before your punishment begins."

The Gallentean is chosen first. He wisely selects a scrap of his ship, bearing the Federation Eagle, and says "My faith in my nation will protect me." He is whipped, and though he is in pain, the metal protects his flesh.

The Matari pilot is next. He states, "Bring me a copy of the Pax Amarria. You will suffer as I suffer, and though my peoples' strength will save me, you will damn yourself." The pilot is whipped, and laughs off the pain.

Finally, the Amarrian gestures to the Caldari. "You are last, pilot. What item do you select?"

The Caldari smirks. "I choose the Gallentean."
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Akrasjel Lanate

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #6 on: 12 Feb 2011, 05:14 »

A Gallentean pilot, a Matari pilot, and a Caldari pilot have engaged in terrible combat in a low-security system. They are suddenly ambushed by a huge local force of Amarrian militia, and being non-eggers have no choice but to surrender and be taken prisoner. The overseer of the fleet has them chained to a wall, and states his intent:

"Because you disrespected my home system, but killed no one, I will set you all free. However, you must endure 100 lashes of a whip before I do. Still, I am an honorable man, and I will allow you to select one item to tie to your back before your punishment begins."

The Gallentean is chosen first. He wisely selects a scrap of his ship, bearing the Federation Eagle, and says "My faith in my nation will protect me." He is whipped, and though he is in pain, the metal protects his flesh.

The Matari pilot is next. He states, "Bring me a copy of the Pax Amarria. You will suffer as I suffer, and though my peoples' strength will save me, you will damn yourself." The pilot is whipped, and laughs off the pain.

Finally, the Amarrian gestures to the Caldari. "You are last, pilot. What item do you select?"

The Caldari smirks. "I choose the Gallentean."

LOL  :lol:
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Senn Typhos

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #7 on: 12 Feb 2011, 10:46 »

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. :D
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scagga

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #8 on: 12 Feb 2011, 11:05 »

Ammatar jokes I can recall tend to be things that have been said.


"It doesn't matter if we ever find common ground with our enemies, the administration will never grant building permission!"

---------------

Shern: "Indeed. Scagga is the sort of man who'd stop our chocolate ration and then sentence us to death."

-------------

Nomakai:
Scagga does sound a bit like General Melchett, doesn't he.
I can imagine it now...

"Scagga: Now Shern, you remember when I came down to Derelik a few years ago. You used to have a lovely little Prowler, beautiful little thing, do you remember?
Shern: Flossie.
Scagga: That’s right, Flossie! Do you remember what happened to Flossie?
Shern: You shot him.
Scagga: That’s right! It was the kindest thing to do after he’d been bumped by that Tempest.
Shern: By *your* Tempest, sir.
Scagga: Yes, by my Tempest. But that, too, was an act of mercy when you remember that those drones had been set on him.
Shern: *Your* drones, sir.
Scagga: Yes, yes, my drones. But what I’m trying to say, Shern, is that the state young Flossie was in after we’d.....

Or...

[Nomakai is informed that a minmatar spy is stealing battle plans]
Scagga: You look surprised, Nommy.
Nomakai: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
Scagga: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Nomakai: Our battles are directed, sir?
Scagga: Well, of course they are, nomnom, directed according to the Grand Plan.
Nomakai: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except the Grand Admiral Sundara, Lady Sundara and their pet furrier, Alan?
Scagga: Great Scott! Even you know it!

--------------------------------

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scagga

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #9 on: 12 Feb 2011, 11:10 »

Letheeth Kayl wrote: Hhhhrrrrr. I am ammmmatarrrr, please see my request in shisha bar

TriX wrote: denying requests to see requests is ammatar... but so is approving the origonal request 

Red Katherine wrote: Your request for requisition of a requesting form is denied. In the future, we request you to remember that requisition requests for Sisha Bar requests must be filed in triplicate no less than three weeks before receipt of origional re-request papers are submitted to the office of Requestions and the Department of Ammatar Regulatory Regulations. Any questions should be re-directed to the Caldari Business Tribunal (ATTN: Dormax, Mandate Requested Affirmative Action Branch)

Nomakai: And here I thought the proper way to follow proper protocol was to fill out a request form and place it in an envelope addressed to the name of the hospital in which you were born.
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scagga

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #10 on: 12 Feb 2011, 11:26 »

(An adaptation from monty python by nomnom)

Random citizen of Derelik: Oh legtimate pilots of the Ammatar Free Corps, we have written a pro-ammatar background story for our corp. May we have blue status now?
Scagga: We are now....
...No longer the legitimate pilots of the Ammatar Free Corps.
Shern: Legitimate!
Nom: Shh!
Scagga: Shh! We are now the Loosely organized congreation of pilots who associate with the most legitimate and honourable cause of Ammatar friendship-bridge building, Rubicon crossing and general pro-Ammatarism.
Wantmoore: Legitimate!
Scagga: There for we must give you a test!
Random citizen of Derelik: And what is this test oh pilots who until recently belonged to the AFC?
Scagga: Firstly you must...
...Write an even longer pro-ammatar story!
Trix: Legitimate!
Poster87: Shh!
Random citizen of Derelik: Oh god, not another story.
Scagga: And when you write the story it must tie in with the previous story, only written in a different style, with a different protagonist and point of view. And then explain why this particular combination of stories illuminate an interesting part of Ammatar fiction.
Nom/Shern/Marlakh: A tie-in story! A tie-in story!
Scagga: And then...
...when you have written the story you must destroy the largest non-ammatar POS in Derelik....with a Tormentor!
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Mithfindel

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #11 on: 13 Feb 2011, 14:43 »

Two Brutors and a Sebiestor are in a ship. Who's flying?
(CONCORD)

I do also half-remember a joke about the difference between a Blood Raider and an Orthodox Amarrian. The other serves a violent, warlike religion bent on conquest and pillage, centered around a blood-thirsty god. The other is a Blood Raider.

An Amarrian, a Caldari, a Gallente, and a Minmatar all died and, EVE being EVE, were all sent to Hell. The Amarrian went to an Amarr hell, the Caldari into a Caldari hell and so on. Some time later, the four met in the afterlife.
Amarrian: Well, hell at least is worth its name. It's damn hot and we are regularly made to lie on spiked boards.
Caldari: On the opposite, the Caldari hell has frozen over. The cold is intolerable, but at least it dulls the body and makes the spike treatment easier.
Minmatar: It isn't that bad. We're having frequent coal shortages, so the temperature stays pretty pleasant. And for the spikes the same: When there's spikes available, there's a shortage of boards. When there's boards, there's no spikes.
Gallente: Wait, this is not kinky nightclub?
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Alain Colcer

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #12 on: 13 Feb 2011, 20:21 »

An Amarrian, a Caldari, a Gallente, and a Minmatar all died and, EVE being EVE, were all sent to Hell. The Amarrian went to an Amarr hell, the Caldari into a Caldari hell and so on. Some time later, the four met in the afterlife.
Amarrian: Well, hell at least is worth its name. It's damn hot and we are regularly made to lie on spiked boards.
Caldari: On the opposite, the Caldari hell has frozen over. The cold is intolerable, but at least it dulls the body and makes the spike treatment easier.
Minmatar: It isn't that bad. We're having frequent coal shortages, so the temperature stays pretty pleasant. And for the spikes the same: When there's spikes available, there's a shortage of boards. When there's boards, there's no spikes.
Gallente: Wait, this is not kinky nightclub?

omg, this one made me laugh out loud  :lol: :lol:
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Moolti

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #13 on: 15 Feb 2011, 11:58 »

FNS Nyx: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Caldari: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

FNS Nyx: This is the Captain of a Gallente Ferderal Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

Caldari: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

FNS Nyx: THIS IS THE FNS CARRIER WANDARING SAINT, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE FNS NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

Ishukone Headquarters: This is a space station. Your call.
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DosTuMai

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Re: Joke time!
« Reply #14 on: 15 Feb 2011, 12:27 »

FNS Nyx: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Caldari: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

FNS Nyx: This is the Captain of a Gallente Ferderal Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

Caldari: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

FNS Nyx: THIS IS THE FNS CARRIER WANDARING SAINT, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE FNS NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

Ishukone Headquarters: This is a space station. Your call.
Noice. xD That was adapted from a log with a US Navy ship and a lighthouse in Scotland if memory serves.
And for my next joke, I present this.
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