Backstage - OOC Forums
General Discussion => General Non-RP EVE Discussion => Topic started by: Shintoko Akahoshi on 10 Feb 2011, 14:06
-
I was looking for some stuff to put in my blatantly-ripped-off-from-Kyoko bio graphic, and I happened upon some Eve jokes. Let's see what y'all've got. I'll start:
How many Minmatar does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None, darkness is symbolic of the struggle for their people.
How many Amarrans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One, if he owns a whip.
How many Caldari does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. Caldari do not screw, they are grown in factories.
How many Gallente does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Just one, to hold up the light bulb, while the rest of the world revolves around them.
-
A young Caldari woman was walking through a station, pondering something she'd heard of recently. She stopped as she saw an Intaki leaning against a wall of a bar, smoking a cigarette. "Excuse me," she said to the man, "but could you tell me what a double entendre is?"
He smiled and dropped the cigarette, stamping it out, "sure," he replied, "come inside and I'll give you one."
-
A Gallentean ship undocks from a station.
(You can replace "Gallentean" with whatever is not FOTM at the time.)
-
An Amarr, a Caldari, a Gallente and a Minmatar come upon a metal I-Beam sitting in the desert.
The Amarr goes, "Oh, thank the Lord! Something for me to tie my slave to so I can look away without them running away!
The Caldari goes, "Hrm. If I could sell that, would it outweigh the cost of hiring someone to dig it out of the ground?"
The Gallente stares in silent consideration of the striking aesthetic ideals portrayed in this stark, unadorned piece of art.
The Minmatar goes "Oooh! Spare ammo!'
-
http://kielle.eve-kill.net/?a=kill_detail&kll_id=7855243
-
A Gallentean pilot, a Matari pilot, and a Caldari pilot have engaged in terrible combat in a low-security system. They are suddenly ambushed by a huge local force of Amarrian militia, and being non-eggers have no choice but to surrender and be taken prisoner. The overseer of the fleet has them chained to a wall, and states his intent:
"Because you disrespected my home system, but killed no one, I will set you all free. However, you must endure 100 lashes of a whip before I do. Still, I am an honorable man, and I will allow you to select one item to tie to your back before your punishment begins."
The Gallentean is chosen first. He wisely selects a scrap of his ship, bearing the Federation Eagle, and says "My faith in my nation will protect me." He is whipped, and though he is in pain, the metal protects his flesh.
The Matari pilot is next. He states, "Bring me a copy of the Pax Amarria. You will suffer as I suffer, and though my peoples' strength will save me, you will damn yourself." The pilot is whipped, and laughs off the pain.
Finally, the Amarrian gestures to the Caldari. "You are last, pilot. What item do you select?"
The Caldari smirks. "I choose the Gallentean."
-
A Gallentean pilot, a Matari pilot, and a Caldari pilot have engaged in terrible combat in a low-security system. They are suddenly ambushed by a huge local force of Amarrian militia, and being non-eggers have no choice but to surrender and be taken prisoner. The overseer of the fleet has them chained to a wall, and states his intent:
"Because you disrespected my home system, but killed no one, I will set you all free. However, you must endure 100 lashes of a whip before I do. Still, I am an honorable man, and I will allow you to select one item to tie to your back before your punishment begins."
The Gallentean is chosen first. He wisely selects a scrap of his ship, bearing the Federation Eagle, and says "My faith in my nation will protect me." He is whipped, and though he is in pain, the metal protects his flesh.
The Matari pilot is next. He states, "Bring me a copy of the Pax Amarria. You will suffer as I suffer, and though my peoples' strength will save me, you will damn yourself." The pilot is whipped, and laughs off the pain.
Finally, the Amarrian gestures to the Caldari. "You are last, pilot. What item do you select?"
The Caldari smirks. "I choose the Gallentean."
LOL :lol:
-
Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week. :D
-
Ammatar jokes I can recall tend to be things that have been said.
"It doesn't matter if we ever find common ground with our enemies, the administration will never grant building permission!"
---------------
Shern: "Indeed. Scagga is the sort of man who'd stop our chocolate ration and then sentence us to death."
-------------
Nomakai:
Scagga does sound a bit like General Melchett, doesn't he.
I can imagine it now...
"Scagga: Now Shern, you remember when I came down to Derelik a few years ago. You used to have a lovely little Prowler, beautiful little thing, do you remember?
Shern: Flossie.
Scagga: That’s right, Flossie! Do you remember what happened to Flossie?
Shern: You shot him.
Scagga: That’s right! It was the kindest thing to do after he’d been bumped by that Tempest.
Shern: By *your* Tempest, sir.
Scagga: Yes, by my Tempest. But that, too, was an act of mercy when you remember that those drones had been set on him.
Shern: *Your* drones, sir.
Scagga: Yes, yes, my drones. But what I’m trying to say, Shern, is that the state young Flossie was in after we’d.....
Or...
[Nomakai is informed that a minmatar spy is stealing battle plans]
Scagga: You look surprised, Nommy.
Nomakai: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
Scagga: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Nomakai: Our battles are directed, sir?
Scagga: Well, of course they are, nomnom, directed according to the Grand Plan.
Nomakai: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except the Grand Admiral Sundara, Lady Sundara and their pet furrier, Alan?
Scagga: Great Scott! Even you know it!
--------------------------------
-
Letheeth Kayl wrote: Hhhhrrrrr. I am ammmmatarrrr, please see my request in shisha bar
TriX wrote: denying requests to see requests is ammatar... but so is approving the origonal request
Red Katherine wrote: Your request for requisition of a requesting form is denied. In the future, we request you to remember that requisition requests for Sisha Bar requests must be filed in triplicate no less than three weeks before receipt of origional re-request papers are submitted to the office of Requestions and the Department of Ammatar Regulatory Regulations. Any questions should be re-directed to the Caldari Business Tribunal (ATTN: Dormax, Mandate Requested Affirmative Action Branch)
Nomakai: And here I thought the proper way to follow proper protocol was to fill out a request form and place it in an envelope addressed to the name of the hospital in which you were born.
-
(An adaptation from monty python by nomnom)
Random citizen of Derelik: Oh legtimate pilots of the Ammatar Free Corps, we have written a pro-ammatar background story for our corp. May we have blue status now?
Scagga: We are now....
...No longer the legitimate pilots of the Ammatar Free Corps.
Shern: Legitimate!
Nom: Shh!
Scagga: Shh! We are now the Loosely organized congreation of pilots who associate with the most legitimate and honourable cause of Ammatar friendship-bridge building, Rubicon crossing and general pro-Ammatarism.
Wantmoore: Legitimate!
Scagga: There for we must give you a test!
Random citizen of Derelik: And what is this test oh pilots who until recently belonged to the AFC?
Scagga: Firstly you must...
...Write an even longer pro-ammatar story!
Trix: Legitimate!
Poster87: Shh!
Random citizen of Derelik: Oh god, not another story.
Scagga: And when you write the story it must tie in with the previous story, only written in a different style, with a different protagonist and point of view. And then explain why this particular combination of stories illuminate an interesting part of Ammatar fiction.
Nom/Shern/Marlakh: A tie-in story! A tie-in story!
Scagga: And then...
...when you have written the story you must destroy the largest non-ammatar POS in Derelik....with a Tormentor!
-
Two Brutors and a Sebiestor are in a ship. Who's flying?
(CONCORD)
I do also half-remember a joke about the difference between a Blood Raider and an Orthodox Amarrian. The other serves a violent, warlike religion bent on conquest and pillage, centered around a blood-thirsty god. The other is a Blood Raider.
An Amarrian, a Caldari, a Gallente, and a Minmatar all died and, EVE being EVE, were all sent to Hell. The Amarrian went to an Amarr hell, the Caldari into a Caldari hell and so on. Some time later, the four met in the afterlife.
Amarrian: Well, hell at least is worth its name. It's damn hot and we are regularly made to lie on spiked boards.
Caldari: On the opposite, the Caldari hell has frozen over. The cold is intolerable, but at least it dulls the body and makes the spike treatment easier.
Minmatar: It isn't that bad. We're having frequent coal shortages, so the temperature stays pretty pleasant. And for the spikes the same: When there's spikes available, there's a shortage of boards. When there's boards, there's no spikes.
Gallente: Wait, this is not kinky nightclub?
-
An Amarrian, a Caldari, a Gallente, and a Minmatar all died and, EVE being EVE, were all sent to Hell. The Amarrian went to an Amarr hell, the Caldari into a Caldari hell and so on. Some time later, the four met in the afterlife.
Amarrian: Well, hell at least is worth its name. It's damn hot and we are regularly made to lie on spiked boards.
Caldari: On the opposite, the Caldari hell has frozen over. The cold is intolerable, but at least it dulls the body and makes the spike treatment easier.
Minmatar: It isn't that bad. We're having frequent coal shortages, so the temperature stays pretty pleasant. And for the spikes the same: When there's spikes available, there's a shortage of boards. When there's boards, there's no spikes.
Gallente: Wait, this is not kinky nightclub?
omg, this one made me laugh out loud :lol: :lol:
-
FNS Nyx: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Caldari: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
FNS Nyx: This is the Captain of a Gallente Ferderal Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
Caldari: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
FNS Nyx: THIS IS THE FNS CARRIER WANDARING SAINT, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE FNS NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
Ishukone Headquarters: This is a space station. Your call.
-
FNS Nyx: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Caldari: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
FNS Nyx: This is the Captain of a Gallente Ferderal Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
Caldari: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
FNS Nyx: THIS IS THE FNS CARRIER WANDARING SAINT, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE FNS NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
Ishukone Headquarters: This is a space station. Your call.
Noice. xD That was adapted from a log with a US Navy ship and a lighthouse in Scotland if memory serves.
And for my next joke, I present this (http://kielle.eve-kill.net/?a=kill_detail&kll_id=8885147).
-
I do also half-remember a joke about the difference between a Blood Raider and an Orthodox Amarrian. The other serves a violent, warlike religion bent on conquest and pillage, centered around a blood-thirsty god. The other is a Blood Raider.
Genius ^_^
-
I wonder what happens when a Mind Clash champion makes a Freudian slip...
Dateline- Lonetrek. Joelyn Donalokos has won yet another Mind Clash championship in an amazing display of mental pyrotechnics. In the deciding bout, his opponent's avatar was burned to a crisp surrounded by an inescapable inferno of blue explosions and streamers of pure immolation. When asked where he'd found the reserves for such a relentless mental onslaught, Donalokos stated, "Actually, I kept wondering if I'd left the oven on."
-
What do you call illegal collusion between manufacturers of analgesic cream?
A pain-gel cartel.
What do you call a booster runner who just finished a particularly intense workout session?
Sore-pentis.
What do you call a mercenary group that keeps hiking up its membership fees?
More-dues legion.
-
/facepalm
-
It is not possible for EVE to have humor, unless said humor involves egregious death in the form of satire.
-
What do you call illegal collusion between manufacturers of analgesic cream?
A pain-gel cartel.
What do you call a booster runner who just finished a particularly intense workout session?
Sore-pentis.
What do you call a mercenary group that keeps hiking up its membership fees?
More-dues legion.
We're gonna have to throw you in the State Pun-itentiary.
-
What do you call illegal collusion between manufacturers of analgesic cream?
A pain-gel cartel.
What do you call a booster runner who just finished a particularly intense workout session?
Sore-pentis.
What do you call a mercenary group that keeps hiking up its membership fees?
More-dues legion.
We're gonna have to throw you in the State Pun-itentiary.
What are these two people's favorite ships?
The Pun-nisher.
-
How many Caldari does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. Caldari do not screw, they are grown in factories.
I GET JOKE!
Here comes mine: Once upon a time the Caldari held a religious event.
-
How many Caldari does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- None. Caldari do not screw, they are grown in factories.
I GET JOKE!
Here comes mine: Once upon a time the Caldari held a religious event.
The Tea Maker Ceremony? :O
Arguably religious.
-
Mine is more of a story...
It's about the Thukker, the Brutor and the Nefantar.
Everything was fine, the sun was shining in Pator and the tribals were having hell of a time running around hitting each other with sticks and partying the nights away. So the winter was coming and all of them started building houses, the Thukker was a wandering kind so he didn't bother to build a proper house, he just put together a hut out of straw and mud. The Brutor was the more sedentary type, and because it was the best with hitting the other tribes with sticks they built his own house from sticks. The Nefantar were the smartest and they got the Sebiestor to plan them a house made of stone, he traded the Krusual for the stones with the help of the Vherokior and had the Starkmanir help them build their house. Then in the middle of the longest winter the Day of Darkness came. The Amarr ships landed on the ground blowing away the huts of the Thukker, all they could do is run away and run away they did until to this very day. The Brutor took the sticks that they made their house of and started hitting the Amarrians with them. The Amarrians laughed and enslaved them. The Amarrians went after the Sebiestor, the Krusual, the Vherokior and the Starkmanir, they ran to the Nefantar and knocked on his door. He let them in. Then the Amarrians came to his house of stone, burned down the door with lasers and enslaved them.
Le Fin.
-
FNS Nyx: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Caldari: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
FNS Nyx: This is the Captain of a Gallente Ferderal Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
Caldari: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
FNS Nyx: THIS IS THE FNS CARRIER WANDARING SAINT, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE FNS NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!
Ishukone Headquarters: This is a space station. Your call.
Noice. xD That was adapted from a log with a US Navy ship and a lighthouse in Scotland if memory serves.
And for my next joke, I present this (http://kielle.eve-kill.net/?a=kill_detail&kll_id=8885147).
Not really that funny. Obvious noob, and the fitting wasn't the most horrible I've seen.
-
The Brutor took the sticks that they made their house of and started hitting the Amarrians with them. The Amarrians laughed and enslaved them.
:lol: