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EVE-Online RP Discussion and Resources => EVE Character Development => Topic started by: Zanzi on 15 Jun 2013, 21:56

Title: [Character] Zanzibar Heroshima
Post by: Zanzi on 15 Jun 2013, 21:56

So I did a little bit of back story on Zanzi, it is written from the perspective of an officer in Caldari Navy Intelligence and as such is a little hazy on exactly how or when he defected.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WJhitd1l0sBJEfxb8cnLw6Vj6oNjQA_ZHlS_hR73AZQ/edit?usp=sharing

Googledocs file because its all prettyful there.

Title: Re: [Character] Zanzibar Heroshima
Post by: Ghost Hunter on 26 Jun 2013, 12:38

Quote

As a side note, on 105/03/30 Commander Oskari Saiyama’s younger sibling Rebecca Saiyama volunteered for the Caldari Navy and began her training.

Belongs in a foot note, rather than in the middle of the dossier. The ending is written quite well for this actually, serving as an off-hand mention.

Aside from that, the content appears sound for a report that's an overview in nature. There are some basic grammar errors, where 'state' should be capitalized as 'State', given the Caldari speakers. Picking through for those should be easy enough.

Title: Re: [Character] Zanzibar Heroshima
Post by: Zanzi on 03 Jul 2013, 23:44

I've switched things about a bit, it should be a little better now.