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[ArtOfLight]

For the past four to five weeks since my father passed away, I have been steadily becoming more emotionally unstable.

My mindset became increasingly negative and I began to perceive a lot of things in the worst possible way, robbing myself of any sense of worth and happiness while taking a great many things personally that were never meant to be taken that way. To the point where I began to believe I had "worn out my welcome" among the Backstage community and the RP community in general, believing myself to have been a needy burden upon the whole and having tested everyone's patience and compassion.

I want to stress at this point that nothing was said or done by anyone to make me believe this or to see things as negatively as I was seeing them, it was simply something I perceived from otherwise innocent or circumstantial happenings. For example, the lack of interest or support in the Order of Light's Retribution and the loneliness I've felt while playing lately.

It wasn't until today that I finally broke down emotionally, having reached a point of emotional and mental drain to where I simply sat. And cried. A lot. As I was doing so, I heard myself telling my wife things that I didn't even know were bothering me, primarily that I was angry with myself because I felt like I did nothing to stop my dad from taking his own life, I didn't even reach out to him or try and even though I knew something was wrong, I simply kept going about my day. I blamed myself for not caring and for doing nothing and hated myself for feeling like I didn't care enough to try and stop him. Because I hated myself and felt angry with myself, I projected these feelings onto everyone around me and felt like everyone else around me was also angry with me, impatient with me or upset with me.

During this time I have been very emotional, very negative and very needy. I stepped away from WHG to avoid dragging them down with me and instead took everyone down with me (in my own mind). I realize now that what I've been going through is depression borne of self-loathing related to sudden loss.

I have agreed to go to counseling as it has become clear I need it in order to get my mental state straight again. Even though I took a large step forward today by finally allowing myself to grieve and realizing what has been eating at me, I do not wish to relapse and since I am thinking clear for the first time in several weeks, I wanted to make a clear statement to all of you that I apologize for the negativity I have embodied lately and that I appreciate all of your patience and understanding as I've staggered through this time in my life.

I want to extend a special thanks first to my wife for being the amazing woman she is and helping me face myself when I fought against it.

Second to Desiderya and Ken whom have both been patient and understanding with me as they've reached out to me and listened to my struggles over the past weeks.

Third to those of you that have been understanding even when you may not have fully understood.

I'm going to try starting over now and pick up the pieces of myself that I've left stranded, go to counseling to put them all back together and hopefully come through this stronger and wiser.

 

[Saede Riordan]

I'm really sorry for your loss, and hope you'll be feeling more yourself again. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me anytime. I do try to be a good listener.

[Syagrius]

I'm really sorry for your loss, and hope you'll be feeling more yourself again.

Ditto.

[Ken]

Often the way we handle the aftermath of a tragedy is the truer measure of our character than how we weathered it in the moment.  Sometimes luck or courage can save the day.  Often the former is lacking and the latter never gets a chance to be shown.  When you are left standing in the wake of crisis--a survivor in the midst of rubble--resolve and resilience are what get you through the rest of your life.

You are honest with yourself and open about your thoughts and feelings like very few people I have known.  By recognizing your own internal struggles, articulating them, and having the confidence to seek help only a month or so after your ordeal, you're doing the right thing for you and your family.  This demonstrates resilience of the first order.  I have seen men and women, otherwise the most daring and tenacious people I have known, who are unable to do those things without a lot of help and guidance.  Whatever doubts wrack your mind now or in the future, take note that you are a stronger man than most and have faith that the path you take going forward is the right one.

[Casiella]

I've never seen you act inappropriately here; having negative thoughts and feelings after the terrible tragedy you suffered sounds perfectly normal.

I wish you the best in finding some measure of peace, comfort, and solace with your family, and hope that your treatment helps you achieve that.

[Desiderya]

Ken has put it into words far better than I could, so all I can offer you right now is a massive german hug. 

[Koa]

I know I am new to the community, but this hits home for me and perhaps because I just met you guys it will be easier for me to discuss. I have been emotionally in the dumps before. I am a Combat Medic in the U.S Army. I have been for 9 years.

I've deployed three times and I lost a lot of friends. When I came back from my first deployment I felt fine, sure I was sad from the loss of good guys etc....but mentally I felt like it really hadn't affected me. During my second deployment nothing really exciting happened as far as combat or enemy action and as far as deployments go it was pretty calm. We hit a bunch of IEDs that were what I call "Harassment IEDS" the main purpose isn't really to kill or disable but just keep you on edge. Also during this deployment one of my best friends died to a non combat related accident. During the deployment these things didn't really bother me to much, however when I came home I really became a mess.

I started drinking I kicked my fiance (Now my wife) out of the house for no reason, even though she was 800 miles away from home. I started to show up to work late because I was drunk all the time. Eventually one of my friends noticed that I was drinking heavily and convinced me to enroll into ASAP (Army Substance Abuse Program). I stopped drinking, however I had a lot of mental issues that were unsolved and ignored by me. Before my third and last deployment I married my now wife and she became pregnant with my son and everything seemed to be coming together. During my third deployment though I became extremely mean and agitated over the littlest of things. I would get mad at things I shouldn't get mad at and things that should make me mad wouldn't. I treated my wife like shit.

I came home from deployment and was diagnosed with PTSD and mTBI. I was given the opportunity to attend counseling and take meds to help ease the symptoms of my condition but I refused to take them, not really sure why. I continued to treat my wife like shit, I would snap at her all the time and in turn she would snap back at me. We fought all the time. One day I came home from work and she told me she was taking our kids and leaving me. I had hit emotional rock bottom.

I actually considered taking my own life. I took two percocet got in my truck and my plan was to go as fast as my truck would go, then angle straight into a tree. I got up to about 95 miles per hour saw the group of trees I picked out and was basically just a flick of the wheel away from taking my own life. Luckily, the percocet or intervention from some higher power caused me to look at the situation and realize the finality of what I was about to do. I ended up instead slowing down, turning around and checking myself into the Army hospital here on Fort Jackson.

Since then I've started actually going to my counseling and taking the medication I am supposed to take and life has gotten so much better, my and my wife have re-consoled an though there are still some issues we need to work on we are in the process of mending. I am no longer angry all the time or depressed. Though things are sometimes stressful, my counselor has really helped me learn different techniques that help me cope with the stress.

I guess I got a little long winded, but ultimately you shared a very emotional and private thing. I felt inspired to tell my own. Counseling will do wonders I am sure it will help you cope with your loss. Losing a parent I cannot imagine the pain and sense of loss you must be feeling, but you can overcome it, just seeing you confide in people is a huge step. Nothing good comes from keeping it inside.

[ArtOfLight]

I appreciate that Koa, in a way it's encouraging to see that other people go through similar struggles (even when you already knew they did). I am glad to see you chose not to take your own life and are now instead walking the path of mending with your wife.

I will definitely be in prayer for you and your family as you continue to work though this.

[BloodBird]

Well, now I feel a tad sorry for you both, instead of just one of you.

In short, I just wanted to say that, and that I'm genuinely more glad to hear you made the right choices, by the looks of things, both of you.

I declined to comment in AOL's first tread when you first explained your situation, because I found it very hard to pass my condolences without commenting, something I was sure and still am sure will get purged very soon for being offensive, and badly timed. Nevertheless, I'll wish you both better luck in future, and hope you get your situations resolved effectively.

Good bedring. o/

[Rin Kaelestria]

To Koa: No matter what branch of service one serves, it comes down to the fact that you all really do so much out there for us back home in the US (other countries at times, too) and at the cost of a fair amount of sacrifices. I think most underestimate the sacrifices part, and it's not just the potential loss of friends, limbs or one's life. It's also the time spent away from areas you know, your home, relatives and family, which can often be just as painful, if not worse at times (especially when it gets to be a year away or more).

Because of what you all do out there, and the sacrifices made, I thank you for your service. I hope for the best for you and your wife, and that you don't have to endure another terrible experience as the on you explained already.

To ArtofLight: It's never an easy thing to lose someone you cared for greatly, be it suddenly as your father did, or even if you knew it was coming. If you need to speak at all, do contact me, and I will do what I can to help, even if it's just to lend an ear.

[Red]

There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. I can't even begin to fathom how all of that feels.

Just know that I'm firmly in the ranks of people who care and wish you the best of luck on your road to recovery!