In case it needs to be stated: I'm fine. She's not.
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Never Enough
9 April, YC117
Sortet V - Moon 1 - Federation Navy Assembly Plant
18:03 New Eden Standard Time
She sat, hunched over in the bathtub, the warm water flowing around her. Her head was pounding, and it hurt to breathe.
You're a failure. Worthless. Useless. Can't do anything right.
She clutched at her head, tears flowing as she tried desperately to block out the cacophony of voices.
Pathetic. Look at you. So weak. Nobody wants you. Everyone would be better off without you.
She looked around frantically, eventually spotting the wine-glass sitting on the rim of the bath. She reached out, her hand shaking as she gripped it and brought it to her lips, drinking the entirety of its pale, translucent jade-green contents in one go. She set the glass back down and brought her hand back, clutching at her head again as a light-headed feeling rushed in. The voices slowly became softer, just a faint buzzing in the back of her mind for the moment; if she focused, she could still make out what they were saying. If she wanted to, that is - she didn't. The voices were always present whether she liked it or not, though: no matter what she did, they would never go away entirely.
But this way, at least, she might have a few minutes without it feeling like they were all screaming at once.
Well, you're a mess.
Go away.
How am I supposed to go away? I'm in your head.
Me too!
You can't help me in there. I need you here.
Well, I guess not being around does preclude being around and helpful, but still - look at yourself.
So icky.
I'm aware.
Silence fell for a moment, aside from the buzzing in her head and the sounds of her own shallow breathing. She glanced towards the doorway, to the room beyond. There was nothing out there for her except pain, and every time she thought about it it was like a knife twisting in her chest. Thinking about it from where she was was bad enough; being out there was worse by orders of magnitude, almost like being torn in half.
Well?
I'm worthless. Useless. I'm just a toy to be used, then thrown away and discarded.
If you say so.
Toys are fun! I wish we'd played more.
I'm not important to anyone. I don't matter. I'm not wanted. I'm an intruder. A burden, a weight.
I can see why you might think that.
How do you think I felt?
It's not like anyone's wanted to see me or talk to me. Or even acknowledged that I exist. And no, you weren't, never ever... you weren't... you were everything, everything...
You're not really someone who screams "look at me!" at the top of your lungs at every opportunity. Maybe people just don't know where to look.
Even the people who know where I am don't want to. The door's been unlocked. If they wanted to be here, they would have been here. Nothing would have stopped them, least of all me.
Well. That last bit is true, at least. Was that a knock we heard the other day or were we just hearing things again?
You're so depressing! Of course they don't!
More tears streamed down her cheeks as she pulled her legs up and rested her chin on her knees, the water sloshing around her slightly as she moved.
I was never happy enough for anyone.
You have had your reasons. Often valid ones. I'm sorry.
I tried! Honest! I mean, it just never seemed to work...
It did, it did... I just... I thought you knew...
But I didn't. You should have said something! Why didn't you say something!?
Because I thought my actions spoke for themselves. I was trying, I was trying so hard... but I was never impulsive enough to just... do the easy thing...
That was what I was for.
You always just sat around unless I pushed...
I was trying to change that.
I didn't know.
I was never strong enough for anyone either. Never independent enough.
Everyone has limits. Even you. There's nothing wrong with needing to lean on someone for support.
Why do you think we let you do it, with our arms held wide open?
I was never good enough. Never enough. Of anything. I am pathetic. I am weak, and useless, and broken. And I'm not good enough for anyone. I never have been enough for anyone. I'm not worth anything to anyone. Least of all the people who matter to me.
Tears welled in her eyes again, and she glanced down over the edge of the tub at a small lacquered case resting on a stand next to an empty wine bottle. She reached down and lightly flipped the lid open with one finger. Silver flashed back at her, the flat of the knife within reflecting the the room like a mirror.
Are you sure you want to do that? What good would it do?
What good has anything else done?
I suppose. But it's a bit permanent of a solution though, don't you think?
That's the point.
Ha! Point!
I’m already in agony with every passing minute. Why should I keep dragging it out? I don't have anything left for me here. Anyone. Anywhere. I don't belong. I never have. I never will.
We can't really stop you, obviously. But we can't guarantee the other side will be any better, either. Let alone that there'd be anyone there. Or that there even is one.
It can't be any worse. There's no point to immortality if you're going to be alone and in pain the entire time. I can't do it. I won't.
She reached out for the knife and gently ran her fingers over the blade, feeling the engraved patterns on the cool metal with her fingertips. She moved her hand back, curling her fingers around the grip as she lifted it out and brought it up into view. She lifted her other hand out of the water, running her fingers along the grooves again.
"I love you," she whispered softly, closing her eyes as she pressed the edge of the knife against her neck gently, immediately feeling two cold stings close together as the two parallel blades started to dig into the skin.
We know.
"I love you," she whispered again, pressing a little harder. Her hand began to shake slightly as she gripped the handle.
We know...
There was a soft knocking sound, and then the sound of the door opening in the other room. She paused. A few seconds later, the knife slipped from her fingers and fell into the water with a small splash.